


Without covers

by Arlein34



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Canon Disabled Character, Doesn't follow the game, M/M, Pointless plot fillers, Probably ooc, Slow Build, TPP Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-24 01:20:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4900063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arlein34/pseuds/Arlein34
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Big Boss rescued Kazuhira Miller, Ocelot had no doubt that his recovery would take time. Deciding to help the man should have been an easy task, but of course things don't always go as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, I fell in love with the pairing and wanted to write something simple, but I got carried away and it turned very long... It only needs editing now, so I should be able to update regularly !  
> Please note that english isn't my first language, and it's also my longest fanfiction so far. I apologise in advance for any mistakes !  
> Also this doesn't follow The Phantom Pain for a few minor details, and and big one ;)

Torture was really overrated, Adamska decided. Or at least it was when it was targeting someone he cared about. Not that he cared about Kazuhira Miller, but Big Boss did, and Adamska valued John's opinion almost as much as his own - when he was in a good mood. Contrary to many other interrogations he’d witnessed or even conducted himself, seeing the evidence of torture on Miller's body had left a bad taste in his mouth.

He’d made a point of always being the actor – the perpetrator – of his life. In every situation. That hadn't always turned to his advantage, but at least he had control - or the illusion of it. 

He flexed his hand, trying to imagine what it would feel like with a stump there. Everybody had heard that people who have lost a limb could still sometimes feel them. They felt a pain that was not supposed to be there, that made them think for a second that this missing part of themselves was still here, hurting like hell. 

Adamska really couldn’t imagine what that was like. He wasn’t so sure that Miller could either. Ever since the man came back, he'd been acting defensively, pretending he didn’t need anybody’s help. Not the most helpful of attitude, he thought - the sooner you accepted what you'd been dealt, the sooner you could take action to remedy it. And the best remedy was often the simplest – revenge.

A lot of people might think that he lacked subtlety and tact, but Adamska wasn’t stupid. He wasn’t going to voice his opinion regarding Miller’s recovery... yet. 

To be perfectly honest, he would have happily let him stay forever in the infirmary, cared for by as many doctors and nurses as they could afford, but unfortunately they needed Miller to get back to his old self to go forward with the operation. This is why he had decided to personally monitor his progress. 

He would visit him, check that he wanted for nothing and more importantly, remind him of the man he once was. He was going to give him a whole, generous week to get back to his senses. After that, he would just have to accept that maybe John wasn’t the best judge of character after all.

\-----  
Day 1  
\-----

“How are you feeling?”

His question was met with nothing other than a dark stare. He smiled, lifting his eyebrows at the man lying on the infirmary bed. His smile disappeared quickly however, after he was reminded once again of what had happened to Miller’s arm and leg. After his brain had been incapable, once again, of blocking the images of what he was sure had happened in Afghanistan. He lowered his head, trying to fight against the sour taste in his mouth. 

“We have a talented and dedicated medical team here. You’re in good hands.”

He paused for a few seconds, trying to assess the effect his words were having on Miller. The man wasn’t even looking at him anymore and there was no way of telling whether he was even listening. 

He took a few steps towards the bed, holding out his hand to grab Miller’s shoulder. He hadn’t even made contact when Miller’s remaining arm batted his hand away with more force than he would have thought possible. Later, he would be able to recognise this as a good sign – even in recovery the man still had more strength than most. Unfortunately, seeing the positive was simply impossible in the heat of the moment. 

“Fine, suit yourself”, he grumbled before turning away and leaving the infirmary.

It was only a few moments later that he realised how childish he had been. He had come to the infirmary for a specific purpose and let his temper get the better of him. That wasn’t like him – he usually had things under control. 

Originally, he had come to keep Miller updated on Big Boss’ progress. He’d also had a few decisions to make regarding the missions and thought that it would speed the other man’s recovery to be included in the process.

Annoyed at himself, he sighed and promised himself he would try again later that day. He was absolutely sure that John would be furious if he simply ignored Miller. Especially after all the trouble they went through to get him back.

\-------------

Sure enough, the first thing Boss asked about when they finally spoke was Miller.

“How is he doing?  
-As well as you’d expect. Worse than you were when you got out of a nine years coma”, Adamska answered, trying to keep is tone neutral.

John chuckled.  
“It’s not the same thing, and you know it. Give him time, he’ll get better.  
-... and what if he doesn’t? he couldn’t help but ask.  
-That won’t happen. I know him, he’ll get through this.”

He paused and Adamska wanted to ask again, make him prepare for the worst, but Big Boss spoke before he had a chance.

“And, Ocelot, I’m counting on you. I know you took care of everything on your own for a while... but we need Miller, and you need to make sure he’s operational. Soon.  
-... you got it, Boss.”

There was a difference between deciding to do something and being asked to. Now that John had asked him to look after Miller, it just didn’t feel the same. He sighed, deciding to forget about it for now. He felt a headache coming and he had other things to do. After all, it was not like Miller was going anywhere...

During the rest of the day, he didn’t think about going back to the infirmary. Transmitting intel to Big Boss, managing the base and training some of the recruits took all his time. 

When he looked out of the window in the command centre, he noticed that the sun was setting. Every recruit on the base would be getting ready for dinner. He wasn’t really sure why, but that thought made him remember about his other task – Miller.  
Sighing, he went on his way to the infirmary, not fully realising that a feeling of unease had settled in his chest as he moved closer to his objective.

The doctor stopped him as soon as he arrived.  
“What’s the matter?”

“I’m afraid you won’t be able to talk to the patient. He’s asleep”, the doctor answered in a brisk tone.

“...Already? Is he okay?”, Adamska asked, more annoyed than concerned.

“He’s been through a lot, as I’m sure you’re aware... We had to give him something for the pain. His body needs as much rest as it can get.’

Adamska dismissed the doctor and approached Miller’s bed. 

There was something unsettling about the sight of his hospital gown falling flat, where his missing limbs would have been. 

What was unsettling exactly, Adamska didn’t know. 

Was it the fact that it could have happened – it could happen – to him? Was it the fact that he knew perfectly how it happened, that he could picture it vividly in his mind? Or was it the fact that Big Boss seemed so protective of Miller? 

He really didn’t know, and he really didn’t care. Or at least that’s what he told himself as he left the infirmary. And although he didn’t notice it, the weird feeling in his chest was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an AU, it doesn't take into account the events in "the Truth" in TPP. Also, this is the chapter where it starts getting very long... But they'll get there ... eventually...

Day 2  
\-----

It was still dark when the alarm woke him up. His first thought was that the base was under attack and he felt his heartbeat quicken. He grabbed his revolver and only then did he notice that the alarm he was hearing wasn’t the base alarm – it was his personal alarm, designed to wake him up if Big Boss needed any urgent support during the night. 

The realisation that the base and he himself weren’t in any immediate danger did nothing to calm him. He didn’t know what was happening to John and he – they, really – couldn’t afford to lose him. 

Of course, he had managed on his own for a while, but he had to admit it was easy to rely on John – or at least, to rely on the idea of Big Boss. He was, after all, the perfect soldier. Adamska had spent a long time trying to become more like him, and he wasn’t done yet. The operation needed Big Boss. They all needed him. 

He made his way to the command centre as fast as he could. When he arrived, he saw the two recruits on guard duty talking to Big Boss, studying a map of Afghanistan and looking completely lost. He shook his head, thinking that he would really have to talk to John about his recruitment process.

“Boss, what’s happening? Are you hurt?”

“Ah, Ocelot, glad you could join us. I’m fine. Just having a bit of trouble with the topography here”, Snake replied.

Adamska could hear gunshots. That didn’t sound good at all.

“My map just went blank... I’m sure it’s just an iDroid malfunction, but I’m not in the best place for maintenance right now. I just need you to guide me to a safe zone.”

“Leave it to me, Boss”, Adamska said, examining the map carefully.

It seemed that it wasn’t a simple iDroid malfunction after all. Their map was screwed as well. All the intel they had gathered, including enemy positions, had disappeared from the map. He gave the recruits an angry look.

“Did any of you do something to this map?”

They shook their heads, clearly scared, and he sighed.

“Boss, our whole map is blank as well. There must have been a problem when we tried to update the system. We’ll try to get an earlier version of it.”

“How long will that take? I’m in a bit of a tight spot here”. Adamska could hear more gunshots in the background. He snapped his fingers at the officers and instructed them to do the reboot.

“Don’t worry, it will just take a minute.” He heard a soft beeping noise and the old map appeared on the screen. Some enemy positions were still marked, at least where Snake was. He would be able to get out of there safely. 

“I have it. Thanks, Ocelot. I remember there were a few camps between here and where Kaz was held. They’re not marked... I think you should show him the map at some point and see if he can fill in some blanks for us...If he feels up to it.”

Adamska resisted the urged to shake his head. “Will do, Boss. Be careful out there!”

The sun was rising when Adamska got out of the command centre. He decided to go back to his quarters before visiting Miller at the infirmary. His headache was back – or maybe it had never left – and even a long shower didn’t make it better.  
He really wasn’t looking forward to going to the infirmary, not in this state. 

The only thing he wanted to do was train DD. Unlike humans, the dog never complained. He was always happy to see Adamska and executed his orders perfectly. He had never had a pet before, and he realised now that there was something relaxing and rewarding about it... But DD would have to wait. Sighing, he grabbed his electronic map and walked to the infirmary.

\---------

“...And how are you feeling today?” he asked as he was approaching Miller’s bed.

They had trimmed his beard and he looked a bit more presentable. Adamska hoped that his mood had also improved. 

“Don’t even pretend that you care, Ocelot”, he replied angrily.

“I’m wounded, Miller”. Adamska laughed softly. “Anyway, I just came to keep you updated on the operation. And there are a few things I’d like to have your opinion on.”

Making him feel valued would surely do the trick. Surely.

“I’m pretty sure you and Snake can handle things on your own. You’ve proved that before”, Miller replied with even more venom in his voice.

Adamska frowned, trying to remain calm. This was really not helping his headache.

“I’m just trying to help you, Miller. How about just a little bit of gratitude for getting you out of that shithole?”

He regretted it as soon as the words left his mouth, but there was only so much he could take. Miller was getting on his nerves, and part of what was so annoying was that he didn’t really understand why.

“...Fuck you, Ocelot.”

He deserved it, but normally he would just shrug it off and keep going. For some reason, he couldn’t do it now. Maybe it was the headache, or maybe he was just tired, but something told him he had to try harder to reach the man. 

“I really didn’t mean that. I’m sorry”, he managed to say, a little begrudgingly.

Apologising wasn’t in his nature and he suddenly felt more embarrassed than he’d been in a long time. But at least it had seemed to work; Miller looked both surprised and a bit more relaxed after that.

“Now, do you want to hear about the operation or not?” 

Miller just nodded. 

Adamska handed him the iDroid without thinking before he realised his mistake. Miller’s remaining arm was on the other side of the bed, and the IV strapped to it made it impossible for him to reach. 

“Sorry”, Adamska said again, moving closer to the bed and holding the iDroid in front of him. 

Miller snorted. “Spare me your fake apologies. Let’s get this over with.” 

Adamska wanted to strangle him. It seemed that all his embarrassment had done nothing to lighten Miller’s mood, and he now felt incredibly annoyed and out of place. Real anger would have been easy to deal with. Instead, he had to battle humiliation, a headache, and this weird ache in his chest that had chosen the worse moment to return. 

He looked at Miller for a while – his eyes were shining angrily, daring him to reply - before deciding that being defensive wasn’t even worth the effort. 

“Right”, he said finally. “As you can see from this report, we suspect that there might be some enemy activity in the grey area here...”

They talked for more than an hour, and after a few minutes of angry silence, Miller finally got invested in the issue. It was a simple decision concerning Snake’s next mission – a choice between an important but very remote target and a few smaller missions without any real stakes apart from supplies – but Adamska had promised he would keep Miller updated, and that’s what he was doing. 

Technically, he was doing even more by including him in the decision, and strangely, part of his agitation disappeared when Miller started exposing his arguments for sending Snake to some of the smaller bases, at least until their helicopter got out of maintenance.

For a moment, the man seemed better. They agreed on a decision, and Adamska was going to ask him about the map when the doctor made him leave. It was time for his treatments, and when Adamska told him he would come back later, Miller didn’t protest. 

In his book, that was a good sign. Oddly enough, he didn’t think again about the painful awkwardness that had marked the beginning of their conversation.

\-------------

After spending some time with DD later that day, he realised that he felt lighter – that oppressing ache in his chest had left completely. 

Maybe it had just been stress, he told himself. He’d been leading Diamond Dogs on his own before, but since Snake’s and Miller’s return, it seemed like he had even more to worry about. In particular, he had to keep making day to day decisions while hoping that Snake wouldn’t get killed out there.

The realisation suddenly hit him. He had been worried. And while it made sense that he would worry about Snake – his missions were dangerous and they still had some unfinished business, after all – worrying about Miller was just illogical. Like he had told the man before, he was in good hands in the infirmary. 

“Some things just make no sense, DD”, he told the dog while scratching its ears. “Some things just aren’t worth anyone’s time. And unfortunately, it’s my job to take care of them... But you’re not one of those things, DD. You’re a good boy.” 

\------------------

“Alright, let’s get back to work”, he told Miller when he entered the infirmary. 

“We had an issue with the maps this morning. Snake thought that you could help us out regarding enemy positions in the area where you were captive.”

He had kind of expected Miller to get angry again. Instead, he was met with a completely blank stare. Miller wasn’t even looking at him – he was looking past him, and his gaze left Adamska feeling slightly uneasy again.

“Hm, Miller?”, he said tentatively.

Miller’s eyes seemed to focus on him once again. He didn’t look happy.

“I heard you. Just give me the goddamn map”, he spat.

Adamska walked to the bed and held the iDroid in front of Miller. Without a noise, the man pointed at it. 

His hand was a bit unsteady. That was understandable, considering the amount of medication he must have been on, Adamska thought. He indicated a second position on the map and then paused.

It was very quiet in the room, even with the sound of the medical equipment surrounding Miller, and his breathing suddenly seemed louder. Something felt wrong, although Adamska couldn’t really tell what.

“Miller?...”, he said again, softly.

This time, the sound of his voice made the other man flinch. When he looked up, his eyes were full of anger and something else that Adamska couldn’t really place. 

He suddenly wanted to get out of there. He didn’t really think it, but he felt it – the urge to flee. Once again, he felt a weight in his chest. He had to do something, but he felt at a loss. Fortunately, Miller finally moved again. He pointed at a last location on the map. 

“This is where I think I was held before they moved me. I couldn’t see, but I knew the area and focused during the transport”, he said flatly.

His hand seemed to be trembling even more. Adamska was unaware he was staring at it until Miller spoke again.

“That’s all I’ve got”, he said before lowering his eyes again.

Something was wrong. It wasn’t just in this room; there was something else on the back of his mind.

“Thanks, Miller. That’s really helpful”, he said quickly. Then, he left. 

\--------------------

He realised what was wrong when he got back to the command room to update the map. The last position Miller had pointed to was very close to Snake’s last known position. He needed to warn him. 

“Boss, are you there?”

“Ocelot. What’s going on?”, Snake replied a moment later.

“I updated the map. There should be an enemy base close to your position. Miller thinks that’s where he was held at first.”

He could hear Snake fiddle with the iDroid.

“I’ll take a closer look. That might be interesting. Nothing to report on those other small bases, though”, he said.

“Roger that, Boss.” He had been ready to leave when John spoke again.

“How is Miller, then?”

Adamska sighed. “He’s fine”, he just said, before going back to his quarters.

But Miller wasn’t fine. He hadn’t been fine at all, earlier in the infirmary. 

For someone who could see through lies during an interrogation, Adamska felt really stupid for not having noticed. He had basically asked the man to focus on his memories of Afghanistan, just a few days after his return. 

Shaky hands, fast and loud breathing... It all made sense now. He swore under his breath. He had really messed this up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At first I wanted each chapter to be a different day in the story, but I think some of them would just be too long, so I may change my mind... 
> 
> I hope you like it so far ! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adamska struggles with his feelings, and has an interesting dream. Also, DD gets mentioned a lot.

\------  
Day 3  
\------

Adamska didn’t like it. 

He had gone to bed thinking about Miller – his blank stare, his hand trembling as he was pointing at the map – and as soon as he’d woken up, he’d been thinking about the man again. 

He should have waited before asking him about the map, and although he knew there was nothing he could do to change that now, he couldn’t help but feel... guilty. 

He really didn’t like the feeling. Particularly, he hated not understanding why he didn’t feel like himself these days: worrying, apologising, and now feeling guilty...   
That wasn’t like him at all. On top of it all, even though he’d always been a fervent advocate of firm interrogation techniques, there was something in Miller’s eyes that he simply couldn’t stomach.

He had to make it right. 

\------------------

He stopped at the infirmary before going to the command centre. Miller was still asleep, looking pale and tired against the bed sheets. 

“When do you think he’ll be able to leave the infirmary?”, he asked the doctor.

“His body is recuperating faster than we thought”, the man replied, “and he should be able to walk with a crutch in a couple of days. Mentally, however... He’s not doing so good, as you can imagine.”

Adamska turned towards Miller. He didn’t have to imagine. It was written all over him. 

When he turned around again, he noticed that the doctor was looking at him with a curious expression.

“You can bring work in here if you need his help”, he said after a while.

“That’s not why I asked”, Adamska replied, irritated. “I thought maybe visiting the base and seeing the operation up-close would boost his morale.”

The doctor’s expression turned even more curious after that – almost suspicious.

“Oh. Right. That’s actually not a bad idea. If he’s up to it, you could even use a wheelchair to do that later today.”

As soon as he’d said it, the doctor seemed to regret taking the initiative and lowered his head. He even looked a bit scared. Adamska smiled slightly. At least he was still capable of intimidating his staff – they hadn’t noticed his crisis of feelings. Yet. 

“Good idea, Doc. I’ll do that”, he said in a light voice. 

This time, he actually registered the words “if he’s up to it”. He wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

\-----------------

After filing some useless reports and training his recruits, he went back to the command centre, to update Big Boss on his new mission – they had just received intel on a possible target that could provide them with information. It was really straightforward and Adamska wasn’t really worried about it. After that, the helicopter would be ready to transport him further and deeper into Afghanistant, to investigate Cipher. 

It meant he wasn’t coming back to the Motherbase anytime soon, and it would be his longest mission since his recovery. 

“We updated the maps again”, he told John. “I had some recruits working overnight on recovery and data input. Try to save some ammo, remember you won’t receive any support until tomorrow”

“Understood.”

“And Boss, be careful out there”, Adamska said as usual.

“Wait, tell me something before you go. How’s my boy doing?”

Adamska went still. Surely he couldn’t mean...? Fortunately, none of the recruits present in the command centre seemed to notice his reaction. 

“Is he ready to accompany me yet?” John added.

Adamska breathed again. He was talking about the dog.

“It’s going well, he’s great. He’s a fast learner, but he’s still growing, so you’ll have to wait. But I think you’ll like him.”

John just laughed.

Adamska felt stupid. Even now, it seemed he couldn’t escape thinking about Miller.

And even realising this didn’t stop him from wondering why he hadn’t thought about introducing DD to the man before. After all, petting an animal was supposed to be therapeutic. 

He shook his head, trying to put some order in his thoughts.

It didn’t work.

\----------------

It turned out that dogs weren’t allowed in the infirmary. Adamska patted DD on the head and ordered him to sit and stay in front of the door. 

Miller was reading a book when he approached his bed. 

“Good afternoon.”

The man didn’t respond. After a while, he sighed and finally raised his head.

“If you’d like to get some fresh air, I could give you a tour of the base”, Adamska offered in his most neutral voice. Looking in Miller’s eyes was making him feel uncomfortable again – he felt guilty and strangely nervous. 

“I don’t think my doctor is ready to release me yet, Ocelot.”

“He said it’d be okay if you...” Adamska didn’t really know how to phrase it. “...used a wheelchair.”

“I’ll pass”, Miller replied angrily.

“You could meet DD, our mascot”, Adamska added.

“...Are you serious right now?”

It seemed that even when he was trying to stay positive, Adamska was somehow offensive. The weight in his stomach was back in full force, but this time, he couldn’t let himself escape it. He couldn’t let his newfound weaknesses distract him from his task.

Slowly, he took a few steps towards Miller’s bed and before the man could make a move, he put a hand on his – good – shoulder. Miller flinched, but didn’t bat his hand away. 

“Yes, actually. I am serious.”

Adamska stopped himself from adding that Miller really needed to come out, that it would be good for him. He didn’t want to be pushy, but he also felt like he had to add something to convince him. 

He was still considering his next words when he noticed that he hadn’t moved his hand. Miller’s shoulder was warm – maybe a bit too warm – under his hand. The man was completely still, looking at Adamaska with a shocked expression. At least he didn’t seem so angry anymore. He just seemed... lost. Adamska removed his hand quickly.

“Well...”, he started, unsure of what he was going to say.

Miller was frowning at him, but he didn’t say anything.

“...If you change your mind, the offer still stands”, Adamska finally said before leaving.

\----------------

He wasn’t going to visit Miller again that day, he decided. 

He had already made enough efforts. Trying to be nice was already exhausting enough without being unable to escape thinking about the man for more than 5 minutes. 

It was as if he could feel Miller’s presence in every corner of the base ever since he’d been rescued – he was like a ghost, showing him things he didn’t want to see, and making him feel things he had no business feeling. 

Adamska wasn’t a hypocrite. He knew something was off and he had tried to understand it. Or rather, he knew something was off but didn’t want to risk understanding it, so he hadn’t really tried that hard. 

One of the thought that had come into his mind, and that he had just dismissed immediately, was the attraction angle. Some part of his brain realised that Miller was an attractive man. 

He had noticed this about a few men in his life – John, of course, included – and he knew perfectly well that humans were naturally biased towards attractiveness. 

However, he had never felt the impulse to act on these realisations, in any way. His fixation on John was just... admiration and rivalry. 

But in Miller’s case, maybe this could explain why he couldn’t just forget about the man, why he desperately wanted to do the right thing. 

Of course, that sounded ridiculous, so he had dismissed the thought entirely. At first. 

But he wasn’t a complete hypocrite, and he had to admit that the explanation had some merit. It didn’t explain everything, however. Like that oppressing feeling in his body every time he was reminded of Miller’s condition.

Maybe he was just getting softer with age. Or maybe he just wanted to fix something broken.

He shrugged, considering he had done enough introspection for the day. After all, what was the point of thinking about this when no harm was done? On the contrary, if this, whatever it was, pushed him to help Miller recover, it could only be a good thing. 

Except maybe for the embarrassment and unease he felt at times. 

Just deciding to stop thinking about it proved more difficult than anticipated, so Adamska went out for a run around the base. DD ran by his side, grateful for the extra exercise and company. It was a feeling Adamska shared completely.

\---------------- 

He awoke with a start in the middle of the night. He almost expected to hear his alarm until his head cleared and he remembered exactly what had awakened him. 

His t-shirt was drenched in sweat and it took him a while to slow down his breathing.

Adamska wiped his forehead and sat on the edge of his bed. The room was still dark and the atmosphere made it all too easy for his mind to wander towards things he wanted to forget. 

He turned on the light, feeling ashamed of himself.

This nightmare... He could remember every part of it. That wasn’t difficult – most of it, he had already imagined during the day. It had just seemed more vivid in his sleep. The rest of it, though... He shook his head. With everything he had been thinking about, he shouldn’t surprise him that his nightmares took this sort of turn.

He had seen Afghanistan. The sun was so hot and bright, yet Miller couldn’t see any of it from where he was held. A succession of scenes had played out in front of him. Some had just been flashes – Miller kicked while he was on the floor, Miller testing his cuffs and hurting his wrist in this process, being refused a glass of water, his lips dried and bloody, food spilled on the floor and stolen by rats. 

Some, on the other hand, had lasted for what had seemed like hours. In Adamska’s mind, it was only logical that the captors had tried every other method in the book before resorting to cutting limbs. 

Miller had been held underwater for a long, long time. At times, it had felt like he had been Miller - he’d been able to feel the water around him, everything black and cold against his face. At other times, he’d just been a spectator, noticing how the man’s hands had clenched and unclenched frantically on the barrel’s edge, how his breathing had sounded so laboured and painful when he had finally been lifted out of the water. 

Then, it had been the nails. They had been removed, one by one, on Miller’s right hand. Each question he had refused to answer had been punctuated by a long pause, during which the interrogator had taken pleasure in choosing his next instrument, showing him a few different ones and mockingly asking him to choose one. 

For the first nail, he had managed not to scream. His strength had weakened rapidly, and by the time they’d been finished, he was crying and shaking violently. The amount of blood he’d lost when they had started removing his fingers had perhaps been exaggerated, but after all, nightmares didn’t have to be realistic. 

Adamska had retained some lucidity in his sleep and he had been observing these scenes, expecting every change in focus to reveal an absurd detail. He had expected to see himself, holding a knife, separating a finger from the rest of a hand as Miller screamed, helpless. But that hadn’t happened.

Instead, the scene had changed. Slightly at first – he hadn’t consciously noticed the first few changes. Blood had disappeared, as if going down an invisible drain on the floor. Torture instruments weren’t scattered everywhere, but aligned perfectly on a shelf at the other end of the room. Miller’s breathing was still laboured, but there was an edge to the sound that hadn’t been there before. 

Adamska’s mind had registered the tonal shift when Miller stopped crying and screaming. He had suddenly noticed that whoever had been cutting his finger had stopped and was now caressing Miller’s hand. 

He had tried to focus on the image, tried to understand it, but that wasn’t how nightmares worked. Instead of allowing him this luxury, the scene had changed again, and images had appeared quickly before being replaced by another. In one of them, Miller had been bound to a chair, and someone was placing a scalpel on his chest, dragging it against his clothes without cutting. 

Then, as he had refused to answer a question, a hand wrapped itself against his throat. The gesture hadn’t been menacing, however, and the gentle, controlled squeeze had gotten a slight moan out of Miller. Adamska’s head was spinning, trying to keep up with what was happening – but it was just too fast. He wanted to wake up.

Now, as he was trying to regain control of his breathing, gripping his bed sheets too tightly, he had to admit to himself that he hadn’t really wanted to wake up. It had just seemed to be the easiest option, but more than anything, he’d been curious about what he would see next. 

His curiosity had been satisfied – when the next scene had come into focus, he had been greeted by an expression of pleasure on Miller’s face. His eyes had been shut, lips apart, cheeks deeply flushed. The sight in itself had made something in Adamska tingle. That tingle had spread to his whole body when he’d seen what had caused the man’s expression. 

Someone had been kneeling in front of him, and although Adamska couldn’t see what was going on, he had a pretty good idea. Miller hadn’t been tied anymore. Instead, his hands – he still had both, and they weren’t even injured – had been placed on the man – Adamska could see it was a man now – in front of him. One had been gripping his shoulder; the other had been tightening on his hair... 

This time, of course, he had been able to focus on the scene. And as he’d grown closer, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, the appearance of the man kneeling between Miller’s legs had changed. The hair Miller’s right hand had been gripping had turned out to be grey. A red scarf had been falling over the shoulder where the other hand had been. 

Unwillingly, Adamska had zoomed in on the scene and watched his own mouth wrapped around another man’s cock, licking and sucking as if he’d done it a million times before. Watching his own cheeks flushed had made the warmth in his body intensify. He had seemed to like it so much – maybe even more than Miller – and the feeling had been transferring itself to the ‘real’ Adamska, still a spectator of his own nightmare. 

He realised now that something that had felt so enticing and good couldn’t be called a nightmare. In the end, what had made him wake up wasn’t even the shock of seeing himself kneeling in from of Miller, feeling as though he could taste the man on his tongue, feel the weight of him. 

No, what had startled him so much had been seeing, in the corner of the room, someone watching. John. He’d been there, arms crossed, a small smile playing on his face. That had been the most unsettling thing for Adamska. It had just been another level of bizarre he hadn’t been ready for. 

The image of John standing there, however, didn’t come back to plague him now that he was awake. It had been disturbing, sure, and it must have had a signification, but other images from this dream had a more immediate meaning that made it infinitely easier for his mind to be drawn to. Like, for instance, Miller’s cheeks flushed red, an evidence amongst other things of how affected he’d been. 

It was a look that suited the man a lot better than the pale, miserable face he sported these days.

Again, Adamska shook his head. He couldn’t sleep anymore. He had to get some air, try to clear his head. He got out of his bed, took a shower to get rid of the drying sweat on his body, then went for a walk around the base. 

Some of the recruits he passed by seemed too merry for his taste. They greeted him enthusiastically, and one of them even smiled. They wouldn’t do that if they knew what he’d been dreaming about, he thought. It was a good thing that nobody here could read minds. Nobody else could see his thoughts turning around and taking him back to that same place – in an unfamiliar room, kneeling in front of another man, and liking it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ocelot desperately tries to understand what’s going on in his mind, and fails. Miller makes some progress, and learns something new about his colleague.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somebody should really think about giving a “Feelings for Dummies” book to Ocelot. The poor guy. I hope you’re still enjoying this. Don’t forget to let me know what you think in the comments !

\-----  
Day 4  
\-----

The amount of coffee he drank that day wasn’t enough to make him forget that he hadn’t slept more than 3 hours. On top of that, every mention of Miller around the base was enough to remind him of his dream. On occasions, he would even start daydreaming about it without any mention of the man. 

In fact, it was only around noon that day that Adamska realised he hadn’t thought once about how Miller had lost his arm and his leg. Considering the sort of thought that had replaced it, he didn’t know whether to be relieved or scared.

At first, he thought about avoiding the infirmary entirely. But after a few hours, the memories still hadn’t left him, and what made it particularly difficult to concentrate was the feeling that things had been _better_ in his dream. Miller had definitely been better, and he himself had felt... warm, and comfortable. 

Of course, that had just been a product of his imagination, but he couldn’t help but think “what if?”. What if simply visiting Miller and trying to help him get better was enough to recreate this feeling?

Surely it wouldn’t hurt to see for himself. That was his thought process when he finally decided to go to the infirmary. Later, he would try to convince himself that it had made perfect sense and that, at that point, he hadn’t completely lost it yet – but who knew. 

In the infirmary, the doctor was changing Miller’s bandages, telling him that his wounds were almost healed. Miller snorted and said nothing. 

Adamska walked up to them. 

“Miller. Doctor”, he greeted them before putting his hand on Miller’s shoulder. He assumed that the man wouldn’t react aggressively with a doctor present. Or maybe, he just hoped that after the first time he’d managed to do it without being rejected, Miller would just allow it. 

He did, although Adamska couldn’t be sure of the reason. Under the hospital gown, the man’s skin was warm against his hand. He could feel it even through his gloves.

“How are you feeling, Miller?”, he asked, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze. This seemed to surprise Miller, but he didn’t make any move to dislodge Adamska’s hand. 

He frowned slightly, but didn’t seem angry. Adamska didn’t know what he was thinking, but one thing was sure: he’d been right. Seeing Miller in the flesh, touching his shoulder - it was bringing back an aftertaste of what he’d experienced in his dream. Why, he didn’t know either, but he wasn’t the type to deny himself anything just because he couldn’t understand it.

“Like crap, if you really want to know, Ocelot” Miller finally replied. 

“I do. That’s why I asked.” 

Adamska gave Miller’s shoulder a little pat before removing his hand, conscious than any longer would have just been too long. He shot a meaningful look at the doctor who was still standing next to the bed, fiddling with the IV he had taken out of Miller’s arm. The doctor left hurriedly.

“I came to see if you wanted to get a bit of fresh air today”, Adamska said after a while.

Miller snorted, anger flashing in his eyes.

“I may be a cripple, but I’m _not_ going to let myself be put in a fucking wheelchair”, he spat angrily.

“I could try to convince the doctor to let you have a crutch, if you prefer. It can’t be nice to be cooped up in here like this”, Adamska said without thinking.

Miller’s face relaxed a little bit at that, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. It disappeared quickly, but it made Adamska realise that he’d unknowingly come close to the truth. Miller _did_ want to get out of there. He tried not to let his smugness show too much. 

“Should I try to talk to the doctor then?”, he simply asked. 

“If you want...”, Miller just replied in a pained voice. 

Oh, how it must have cost him to say it. The thought made Adamska smile with glee. 

The doctor, at first, wasn’t impressed by his suggestion. Adamska could see it on his face, even though he didn’t outwardly say no because he was afraid of him. 

“You said yesterday that he could walk on crutches in two days. It’s just a day’s difference”, Adamska said charmingly. 

After all he’d said to Miller, he had to make sure the doctor would give his consent. Of course, he could still threaten or order him... But even in a position of command, he had to recognise a doctor’s orders should be followed whenever possible. Convincing him without fear would be more effective and less dangerous for Miller. 

“Well, yes. Crutches, plural. If he had his other arm, he could have two crutches and walk around. But as it is, he needs a prosthetic leg to hold his weight because one crutch isn’t going to do it.”

The doctor paused before adding, “We still need to make that prosthetic, and I didn’t want to start making a cast and taking measurements before I was completely sure he was ready to walk. I didn’t want to give him hope without knowing for sure it could be done.”

Which was exactly what he’d done himself, Adamska realised, a bit ashamed. He had to turn this around somehow. 

“Look, doctor”, he started. “If that prosthetic was ready today, would you say he’s well enough to go out?”

“I...guess so”, the doctor replied with caution, realising it was a trick question. 

“Well, in that case, there’s no problem. I’ll support part of his weight, and it’ll only be for a few steps. He just needs a bit of fresh air”, Adamska said, smiling. 

The doctor sighed. “Fine. But I have to ask, why not use a wheelchair?”

“I don’t think it would be beneficial”, Adamska replied, “... He needs to see that he can walk, even if he needs some help”. 

Once again, the doctor looked at him as if he’d grown a second head. 

“That’s... sensible. Only for a few steps, though... At this stage, jumping around on one leg for too long is just too much exercise.”

Adamska, nodded, trying not to linger on the fact that everyone apparently thought he had to be an inconsiderate asshole all the time. 

He had half expected Miller to refuse once he’d learned that going out meant being this close to him, but the man’s face only showed a flicker of hesitation before he agreed. The desire to get out of the infirmary had been stronger that his apparent hatred towards Ocelot. 

The task, however, didn’t turn out to be as simple as he’d thought. 

For a start, he couldn’t imagine that the few laborious steps they were taking were relaxing for Miller. It wasn’t exactly relaxing for him either. Being in such close proximity to the man brought back the most inappropriate memory from his dream – this feeling of warmth that had invaded his body, pooling in his chest. 

He was used to the coldest of temperatures, but even he couldn’t deny that the feeling was far from unpleasant - which was part of the problem, really. Miller’s body, pressed against his, was solid and extremely warm. 

Adamska’s arm had circled his waist and at first, Miller’s arm had done the same, grasping at his shirt. A few steps later however, he changed his position, and put his arm around Adamska’s neck to grab his shoulder. 

Adamska froze, unable to stop himself from reacting. Miller’s hand was clenching on his shoulder, just as it had been in his dream, in a situation entirely different from this one.   
He didn’t know if Miller heard his sharp intake of breath, but the man didn’t seem particularly disturbed by the halt. 

He was looking at the sky, a strange look on his face. He didn’t look exactly happy, but there was something there – some sort of relief – that made Adamska confident that making him go out had been the right choice. He managed to compose himself before moving again. 

Soon, they reached a bench and he helped Miller sit down. They were only a few meters away from the infirmary but the man was breathing heavily. Moving around on one leg, even supported by someone else, was hard work. Miller was taking deep breaths, his eyes closed. If he hadn’t been slightly frowning, Adamska could have believed he was finally relaxed.

Adamska was comfortable with silence, but it was making it too easy for him to get lost in his own thoughts. He desperately tried to think of something to say but was saved from his predicament when DD came running towards them.

“DD! Come here, boy!” Adamska got up and stroked the dog’s thick fur after removing his gloves. He had thrown them carelessly on the bench next to Miller, who was looking at them, his eyes wide with surprise. 

He seemed completely shocked by the sight of Revolver Ocelot playing with his dog – technically, DD wasn’t really his, but Adamska liked to think he was; after all, he was the one looking after DD and training him... 

“Good boy. Now, sit. Good, good. Now, say hello to Miller.”

He had said it without thinking. DD immediately put his paws on Miller’s thighs, trying to jump on him to lick his face. Adamska had been ready to get him off Miller, but he stopped himself when he noticed the other man petting the dog, a small _smile_ on his lips. 

After a while, DD simply jumped off, and Miller had to reach to start stroking him again. The sight made Adamska’s heart beat faster.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes. Miller was still petting DD, who hadn’t had this much attention since he’d been a puppy. Adamska was still taking in the scene, strangely comfortable next to the other man. This feeling of easy companionship was new to him, but he liked it. He liked it a lot. 

Miller chuckled when DD finally left them to run after a gerbil that had escaped its cage on the base. With a rush of pride and pleasure, Adamska noted that he’d been right again - meeting DD had lifted Miller’s spirit, even more than he could have hoped.

“It’s a nice dog”, Miller finally said, turning towards Adamska.

“Yes, he is. I’m training him to accompany Snake on his missions.”

“I didn’t think you liked animals.”

“Maybe you just don’t know me enough”, Adamska offered. 

Miller just gave him a quick nod in reply. They stayed on the bench for some time, neither of them speaking. 

Smiling and content, Adamska had decided to just accept what he was feeling. After all, he’d always thought that the sooner you accepted a situation, the better you could handle it. And although he didn’t know how he would handle it just yet, or what it was, at least he had taken that first step. 

When they stood up to go to the infirmary, Miller placed his hand back on Adamska’s shoulder without a word. His grip was firmer, more confident. To Adamska, it felt strangely like trust, and he nodded at Miller, hoping to make him understand that he could – both literally and figuratively – rely on him.

When they reached the infirmary, Miller’s expression turned gloomy again. That shouldn’t have been a surprise, but it was so sudden that Adamska winced. 

“Well, here I am again”, Miller said with disdain. 

Adamska helped him get into bed, his movements precise and as gentle as he could manage. He had the feeling that he wasn’t supposed to reply anything, that Miller wasn’t finished. 

“Ocelot”, he began before clearing his throat, “thank you. I needed that.”

“No problem, Miller”, Adamska replied. 

“Anytime”, he added afterwards. Miller raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. 

\----------------

That night, John came back to the base. He greeted Adamska before going to the infirmary to see Miller. Adamska didn’t go with him. If he’d been in Miller’s place, he would have appreciated talking to John alone.

When John came back, his face was grim. “He doesn’t look good, Ocelot. You told me he was fine.”

Adamska tried very hard not to snap. Miller had been fine that afternoon. And what did John expect anyway? He wasn’t going to magically get better in a few days.

“Of course he’s not”, he replied coolly, “but he will be. I’ll make sure of it.”

John nodded, seemingly satisfied. Adamska frowned. It had been very simple to get him off his back about Miller. Maybe he didn’t care that much after all. Or maybe Adamska was being unnecessarily suspicious. 

It really didn’t matter anyway, he decided. He wasn’t doing any of this for John, and really, he never had been. His own “week plan” didn’t matter either. Like he had said, Miller wasn’t going to suddenly get better, and he just had to make sure the operation went smoothly in the meantime. 

Someone else could have mistaken it for generosity and self-sacrifice, but Adamska knew himself too well, or at least he did most of the time. He wasn’t caring or nice - he was doing all of this mainly for himself.

He went to bed as early as he could manage. The day had finally caught up with him, and he was exhausted. 

Getting in his bed made him remember why he had gotten up so early in the first place. This time, the warm feeling didn’t come back as strongly. Instead, what the memories of his dream brought within him was an uncomfortable emptiness that he didn’t understand. 

He frowned, and wondered what had changed for a while before succumbing to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ocelot feels trapped, Miller gets suspicious, and DD drools everywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, this is the slowest burn ever. I apologise, and promise you that they will get there eventually! As usual, don’t forget to let me know what you think in the comments ;) !

\-----  
Day 5  
\-----

There was no mission planned that day, and Snake was taking a much deserved break. He had gone back to the infirmary in the morning, and Adamska had felt slightly guilty for having thought he didn’t care. 

John had taken a few prisoners that needed to be interrogated. That hadn’t happened for a while... Considering the reaction he’d had to Miller’s injuries, he felt nervous. 

Interrogation was his specialty, and if he couldn’t do it, what good was he to the team? 

Thinking about Miller now wasn’t helping his nerves. That sinking feeling he’d noticed the day before was leaving him inexplicably cold.

Suddenly, he noticed that his steps had taken him to the infirmary instead of the interrogation room. He felt the emptiness tugging at him, drawing him towards the building, and the man inside. 

The reason why a deep, instinctual part of his brain had made him come here was simplistic, but Adamska couldn’t see it yet. He shook his head, fighting against the impulse, and willed himself to walk to Room 101.

Thankfully, as soon as he opened the door and faced the prisoner, he was back to his old self. John, who had been there, even commented that he had been particularly cruel. He hadn’t noticed it. He had felt a shift inside him, gears falling back into place, and the rest had just followed.

“The man was a spy for Cipher. He deserved it”, Adamska simply said. The recruits he was training were looking at him with a mix of admiration and fear.

Now that it was over, he could see he had been... different. He couldn’t understand it. Thinking about Miller’s injury made him squirm and wish he could erase it all for the man, but he was still capable of doing _that_ to his enemies? It felt like his mind was betraying him, like something wasn’t right.

“We know a lot more now about their positions in Afghanistan and Africa than we did before, that’s for sure”, John said. 

He put his hand on Adamska’s shoulder, suddenly looking very serious. “It seemed to turn a bit personal in there, Ocelot... Be careful with that.”

Adamska opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out, and Snake had already gone anyway. The man was right... He got carried away. He’d done the job, he’d been efficient as usual, but there had been an edge to his performance that he hadn’t been aware of. 

The fact that he hadn’t been completely in control made him uneasy. He hadn’t even noticed the anger inside him, making him inflict pain on the soldier even after he had given up all he had. 

He thought about Miller, and suddenly felt ill. If Miller had been his prisoner, he’d have done the same as his captors, if not worse. His heart was racing now, and he had to close his eyes to calm himself. He’d never felt ashamed of what he was before. But the worst part was that he knew he could do it again, if they needed him to – he could just go back to the interrogation room, lay down his instruments, threaten, charm, lie and hurt anyone until he got his way. 

Out of the room, however, his thoughts were going in circles, and he wanted it to stop.

Resigned, he let his feet take him back to the infirmary. He just had to see Miller, to remind himself that the damage was already done, that no matter what he did to anybody else and no matter how much he agonised over it, he couldn’t change what had happened to the man. 

He didn’t even bother greeting the medical staff, and only noticed that someone else was there when he came close to Miller’s bed. John was sitting on a chair, handing papers to Miller.

“Hey Ocelot”, John said, looking at him, “do you need anything?”

Adamska didn’t reply immediately. What could he say? Yes, he _needed_ something. He needed his thoughts to stop playing tricks on him, he needed to be able to visit Miller without having to explain himself. He felt a chill within him, the same as he’d felt before, and the feeling only made him more annoyed.

“Not really, no”, he replied briskly, “just checking up on Miller like I said I’d do.” 

He turned to Miller, who was looking at him with a slight frown. John spoke again.

“Kaz just told me you helped him get some air yesterday. Good thinking.” 

Adamska’s annoyance turned to embarrassment. “... just doing my job, Boss”, he replied without any conviction. Miller’s frown was deepening, and he knew things weren’t going the way they were supposed to. That wasn’t what he’d come here for, at all. 

Neither of them said anything, and Adamska was considering escaping when the doctor arrived. 

“Hello, everyone”, he said with a tight smile. It was evident that he was feeling intimidated by the three of them being in the same room. 

“I have some good news. Mr Miller’s prosthetic is ready, and...” he turned towards Miller, “if you feel up to it, you could try it later today.”

Hearing the news, John squeezed Miller’s shoulder gently, and Adamska found himself looking at his hand. He could feel a wave of irritation rising and had to force himself to turn his head towards something else. Once again, he was saved by the doctor who started addressing him.

“After yesterday, I found it best to prepare the prosthetic as soon as possible”, he said, still smiling. “Well, just give me a shout when you’d like to try it out”, he added in Miller’s direction before leaving.

“That’s great”, John said, “and just in time. We’re having a meeting tonight in the command centre; it’ll be good to have you there, Kaz.” 

Looking at Miller, Adamska wasn’t sure that the man really found it that great. He should have, considering the reaction he’d had the day before when he got out of the infirmary. But the frown on his face was still there, and he didn’t say anything. 

“I can help you walk until you get used to it”, John offered. 

Miller shrugged. “No, Boss, I’m good. Thank you for the documents, I’ll look at them before the meeting.”

John’s eyebrows lifted a little, but he just nodded. It had sounded like a cue for him to leave, and he just took it without question.

As soon as he was gone, Adamska released a long breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He got closer to Miller, sitting in the chair Snake had been occupying a moment ago.

“I don’t want him to see me struggling”, Miller said to him. “I know, he’s seen me at my worst, but that’s not exactly something I’d like to relive.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Miller”, Adamska replied, shrugging. He understood his reasons perfectly. “I don’t mind helping you, if you need it”, he added. 

Miller grunted. “Yes, that’s your job, after all, right?”, he said derisively.

Adamska shifted slighty on his seat. “I didn’t mean it _like that_ ”, he answered.

Miller’s frown had disappeared at last, replaced by an angry light in his eyes.  
“I’m wondering how else you could have meant it, Ocelot. Nobody’s forcing you to be here, you know.”

Adamska shook his head, feeling defensive. “Look, Miller, I’ve made it clear that I wanted to help you, haven’t I? You said you didn’t want the Boss to see your weakness...” He paused for effect. “It’s the same for me. I don’t need him questioning my motives. That’s all.”

Miller looked curiously at him for a while. Then he nodded, looking calmer now. The sight appeased Adamska as well, and he noticed that he’d finally found it again – that soothing feeling inside him. 

“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’ll be able to walk more comfortably now.”

A sudden impulse made Adamska put in his hand on Miller’s shoulder, exactly where John’s had been a moment ago. He could feel the man’s warmth again, and wondered if John had noticed it as well. 

He kept his touch light and tried to gauge Miller’s reaction. The man wasn’t moving or looking at him, but he didn’t seem bothered. It was almost as if he’d accepted the gesture as something normal between them. 

Adamska pulled back his hand, and said, “Right, I’ll come back to get you an hour before the meeting. That’ll leave us plenty of time to get there.” 

Miller had an odd expression on his face now. It looked like he wanted to say something but thought better of it. He frowned for a second, before a spoke again. 

“...Thanks, Ocelot.”

\----------------

During the afternoon, Adamska found himself thinking about his dream. 

It was impossible to escape, really, when the feeling he got around Miller, or thinking about him, was exactly the same as the one he’d felt in his sleep. He didn’t want to be bothered by this again, but he seemed to be trapped in a vicious circle. 

He had been at his desk, preparing his report for the meeting when visions of Miller’s face, lost in pleasure, had invaded his head. 

Again, he knew there was nothing innately wrong with that. But it didn’t mean he wasn’t annoyed by it. 

Attraction and sex – they had always been, in his opinion, superfluous and distracting, especially during an operation. He simply didn’t have time for it - but his mind seemed to disagree.  
The thought came again, but this time, it had changed. He wasn’t just thinking about his dream anymore. He was... _fantasising_ , he realised with indignation. 

The image had just been there for a second before he’d made himself focus on his work again, but it had been enough. 

Instead of seeing himself kneeling in front of Miller –as usual, his mind unhelpfully provided – he had been on Miller’s infirmary bed, one hand up his gown. Miller’s expression, however, had still been the same : his clear, damaged eyes shut, his lips quivering. 

He turned on his cassette player, hoping the music would help him concentrate. Fortunately for him, it did the trick and he finished the report quickly before going to train DD. 

He’d have to bring the dog with him to the infirmary later, he thought. Miller would appreciate it. Remembering the way his mood had seemed to lift when he’d been petting DD, Adamska allowed himself a small smile.

He looked at the time, and realised it was almost time to get Miller. He patted DD on the head, and they started walking towards the infirmary. 

When he arrived, Miller was sitting on the edge of his bed, prosthetic leg already in place under his brand new uniform. 

He looked anxious. To Adamska, it looked like he’d been waiting for him because he hadn’t felt confident enough to try taking that first step alone. It probably wasn’t true, but the thought still made his mouth go dry. He licked his lips before speaking. 

“Sorry to have kept you waiting”. Miller just shrugged in response. “Alright”, Adamska said gently, “let’s go.” 

Miller grabbed his crutch, and got up. When he first tried to put weight on his prosthetic, his arm – and the crutch – started to shake. Adamska quickly moved closer, ready to catch him, but Miller didn’t fall. Instead, he raised his eyebrows at Adamska’s reaction, and then started walking as if nothing was wrong. They came out of the infirmary without any issue.

“You don’t really need my help after all”, Adamska said as Miller started stroking DD, who’d been waiting by the door. Miller was smiling again, even chuckling, as the dog was licking his palm. 

“The doctor wasn’t sure that my muscles would be up for the walk, and I got a bit paranoid. But I still need your help to find the command centre”, he simply replied. 

A flash of pain crossed his face for a second. Again, Adamska got ready to support him, but the other man pushed him away with his crutch. 

“It’s nothing”, he said, “let’s walk.” 

They had a bit of time before the meeting, and Miller asked to be shown around the base. Adamska wasn’t sure it was a good idea, but he didn’t refuse. Seeing the other man so energetic and driven was a pleasant surprise – he just couldn’t ruin it. 

He stayed attentive to Miller’s expression, on the lookout for any sign of pain or discomfort. But there were none. They walked for more than fifteen minutes, Miller getting more confident with each step, Adamska staying behind, guiding him towards the command centre.

They sat on a bench facing the sea, and Miller wiped his forehead with the back of his hand.

“Shit”, he whispered suddenly. “...I just remembered that the dog licked my hand.” 

Adamska couldn’t prevent a small laugh from escaping his lips. A sound made him stop, startled. Miller was laughing as well. It didn’t last long, but he’d laughed. Adamska offered him a tissue he always kept in his shirt pocket.

“Thanks, Ocelot”. He wiped his forehead conscientiously, then handed the tissue back to Adamska, who laughed again.

“Keep it, Miller, really.”

Adamska closed his eyes, savouring the moment, until Miller got up again. He wanted to walk more, he said. Adamska followed him without a word. 

\----------------

“...The last order of business”, Adamska said, “is the intel we got from the Cipher spy.” He pointed to the screen, where a map of Afghanistan appeared. 

“We know that there was a base in this location. Things must have been scrubbed clean since they left, but who knows. I’d still like to send a team there.” 

He turned to Snake. “We’ve also received a possible location for Skullface. Boss, I think that should be your next mission. Just let us know as soon as you’re ready.” 

John simply nodded. 

“Does anybody have anything else to say?” Adamska said to conclude the meeting. He didn’t expect anybody to speak – or rather, he had gotten so used to nobody speaking up after him during these meetings that he was genuinely surprised when Miller stood up. 

“You all know what happened to me”, he said, addressing the recruits in the room. “And I’m sure you can all imagine that I’d like to see Skullface pay. However, vengeance shouldn’t be the only fuel of this operation... But that doesn’t mean it can’t help. Let me just say it will be my honour to serve again with all of you here.” 

Miller’s little speech had seemed to inspire the recruits. He had spoken in a clear, confident voice and his words had appealed to all of the soldiers present. They looked at him with admiration and respect, a fire burning in their eyes. 

Adamska felt his heart speed up again. Miller’s charisma was showing even under his injuries and the pale tint of his face. In a way, all of this made him look even more impressive. Adamska knew he still had a long way to go, but the man clearly had some fight left in him. 

After the meeting, they walked back to the infirmary together. He knew that Miller didn’t need his help, but he’d felt the urge to stay with him. 

The thought had bothered him for a second, but he had put it aside in a small corner of his mind. For now, Miller was next to him and it would just be rude to focus on his thoughts instead of trying to talk to him, he decided.

“That was some good motivational speech in there, Miller.”

The other man, who was just a few steps ahead of him, stopped when he heard Adamska. He seemed a bit out of breath and didn’t reply for a while. Adamska stopped at his level and waited. Suddenly, Miller snorted and shook his head. 

“I honestly don’t know why I did that”, he finally said. “I’m not even sure I can serve at all. I don’t even know when I’ll get out of that damn infirmary...” 

It made sense, of course, but Adamska had been so focused on the positive changes the last couple of days had brought – walking, speaking up at a meeting, laughing at the dog – that he hadn’t considered that maybe Miller had spoken more out of instinct than real confidence. 

“Don’t worry about it”, he said, “you’re making a lot of progress already... You’ll be out of the infirmary and back in command in no time.” 

“Yeah, right”, Miller just replied before starting to walk again.

Along the way, Adamska tried his hand at making small talk, asking random questions to Miller to distract him from his thoughts. It had seemed to work for a while, and they had been talking about favourite foods, and favourite beers – Miller had sounded quite animated when he had mentioned hamburgers – when they finally reached the infirmary.

There, again, a veil of pain seemed to cloud the man’s eyes and Adamska suddenly wished for their steps to have taken them somewhere else, anywhere else but there. 

For a moment, he had just been talking to another man, without worrying about injuries, about ranks, about Diamond Dogs and the Boss. It had been relaxing, almost intoxicating in its simplicity, and to have the reality of their situation crash down on them so suddenly was excruciating. 

“I’ll get you that hamburger sometime, Miller”, he said lightly, trying to shift the mood to something more positive once again. 

Miller didn’t even laugh. He didn’t even smile either – it was more of a half-smirk, something that didn’t look happy at all and made Adamska cringe. 

“Right. See you later, Ocelot”, the man said in a tired voice before stepping in the infirmary.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ocelot makes a (not so) shocking discovery after an incident in the infirmary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Editing my chapters is like reading a new story everyday... It got so big that I'd forgotten half of it!  
> As usual, I’d love to hear what you all have to say about this. Is it good / boring / kinda interesting / just f****** too long??? Let me know, because I honestly can’t tell.

\--------  
Day 6  
\--------

It had almost been a week, Adamska thought. 

He wasn’t really paying attention to it anymore, at least not for himself. Instead, he felt himself worrying about what Miller had said the day before. He was sick of staying in the infirmary, and the more he stayed there, the more he’d feel like an invalid. 

Adamska decided he would go to the infirmary during the day – although he wasn’t really sure he could still talk about a “decision” if it was simply something he did every day. Something he wanted to do every day, even. Maybe he could talk to the doctor and get at least some indication as to when Miller could be released. 

Snake had left for his mission early in the morning. He’d never been one to stay in one place for too long and waste his time on something as mundane as resting. 

Before leaving, he’d talked about Miller. Again, he’d made him promise that he’d do his best to help the man, and this time Adamska hadn’t even bothered getting annoyed.  
He’d just nodded, his mind already far away, thinking about where he would install Miller’s quarters once he’d be out of the infirmary. 

Adamska hated distraction. It was, in his opinion, one of the most dangerous things in his line of work. He needed to have control of his thoughts as much as his actions and having to make a conscious effort to realise he was distracted – especially when talking to the Boss – cost him a lot. 

If he wasn’t annoyed before, he definitely was now. He had wasted enough time on Miller already, and yet, he felt himself unable to delegate the “task” to anyone else. At this point, it was just a question of honour and credibility, he decided, knowing full well how fake it sounded.

He’d wanted to force himself to finish his work before visiting the infirmary. Setting a clear schedule, he’d thought, would help with his wandering mind. But it didn’t work.  
In his head, images of Miller were sneaking in after every other thought. Some were real memories, some weren’t, and the mix left him worrying that he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference at some point. 

If only he could understand why he felt that way, he could find a solution to his... problem. But nothing was that simple, and at the start of the afternoon, he just gave up and decided to visit Miller to give his mind a rest. 

When he arrived, the doctor greeted him with a weird, concerned expression. It looked like he was angry but couldn’t find the courage to voice his opinion directly. 

“He shouldn’t have walked that much yesterday”, he finally said, lowering his eyes.

“Why? What’s wrong?” Adamska started turning towards Miller, but made himself look back at the doctor again when he replied.

“He’s not used to his new prosthetic yet, and after moving for such an extensive period...” He sighed. “It put him in a lot of pain.” 

Adamska paled, guilt and anger clouding his thoughts.

“He... he really seemed to be okay. The exercise seemed to do him good.” He answered softly.  
“Mentally, yes”, the doctor replied, “but not physically. I’ve had to feed him painkillers since 2am because he couldn’t sleep.”

“Is he okay now?” Adamska asked. 

“He’ll be okay. He’s not in pain anymore, at least. You can talk to him if you want, but he’s a bit drugged up so... Probably not the best time to make any military decision”, he said with a small shrug. 

The idea made Adamska chuckle – he hadn’t even been able to do that himself, even without drugs. The doctor looked so shocked that he sobered up quickly. 

“Thanks, Doc, I’ll keep that in mind.”

\----------------

Miller’s clear eyes were shiny and a bit out of focus when Adamska came up to him.

“Ah, Ocelot. To what do I owe this, hm, pleasure?” He said, a small smile playing on his lips.

Yes, he was definitely drugged up, Adamska thought. 

“How are you, Miller?”, he asked, hoping to keep most of his concern out of his voice.

Miller started laughing, but his laugh turned into a cough halfway through. He took a moment to catch his breath. 

“Nobody’s ever told you that it was rude to answer a question with another question?”, he finally said, still smiling. In his state, there would be no point in stating he’d done exactly that – and mostly, Adamska was just too surprised to register it.

“I guess not, Miller”, he simply replied, smiling as well. This was going to be fun, he decided. “I just came to see how you were.”

Miller shrugged, the movement made slow and clumsy by the painkillers. 

“Well, apparently I’ll be stuck here forever. So I think I’m just _great_!”, he said with anger. His slurred speech made the whole thing a lot less dramatic than he must have intended. 

“You just overdid it a bit yesterday... It happens.” To Adamska, it felt like any step forwards was followed by a few steps back – and to Miller, it surely felt even worse.

“I’m sorry, Miller, I should have realised...” He stopped himself, unsure how to finish the sentence. 

Miller snorted. “Stop it, Ocelot. You couldn’t have known...” He paused before adding, “I needed to walk and I probably wouldn’t have listened to you anyway.” 

His expression grew darker. “I really thought it’d be okay, after yesterday. For one moment, I was actually thinking...” He stopped, lowering his eyes, and Adamska felt an ache in his chest. 

It was just a setback, it shouldn’t have that much impact on the man. And yet, Miller looked close to crumbling in front of him, a pained look on his face. It was as if all his suffering had waited until this very moment to come back to the surface.

“Miller...”, he started, but the other man interrupted him. “Don’t bother”, he said in a low voice. 

He looked so different from the man who had inspired recruits the day before that Adamska could have believed they were in a parallel universe. 

After a while, Miller added, “you have no idea what it’s like. After everything... Being here, put aside...” 

It was really heartbreaking to think that the pain showing on his face was purely psychological. After all, he was on painkillers. His voice was a bit clearer now, but his pupils were still dilated and his gaze unfocused.

He seemed to hesitate before speaking again. “I feel so... worthless, here.” 

He surely wouldn’t have opened up as much without the drugs, and he would probably regret saying any of this, but Adamska found that he didn’t want to interrupt him. He didn’t reply, waiting for the other man to say more.

“Sometimes I wonder... I wonder if you shouldn’t have just let me rot in Afghanistan.” 

Adamska couldn’t let this one pass. “You can’t be serious.” 

The words escaped him before he could think better of it, and he immediately regretted it. 

Miller didn’t reply, his silence a confirmation of what Adamska had feared his statement would bring up. He was frowning, his mouth set in a harsh line, and Adamska could just see it in his eyes – he was still in his prison cell in Afghanistan, probably afraid that he’d never get out completely.

Adamska desperately tried to think of something to lift the mood, even just slightly. 

“You’re not worthless, Miller”, he said, “even if it takes a while, you’ll get better. And you’ll still be a good commander and a good instructor for our recruits.”

Part of the pain had left the man’s face now, replaced by a cold hostility. “How would you know that? You, of all people?”, he replied harshly. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”, Adamska asked, frowning. 

Miller was half-smirking now. Adamska didn’t really think it was directed at him in particular – it seemed more like the man was finding the whole situation laughable. 

“Well...You’re the kind of person who gets a kick from torture, so... I’m not expecting you to understand any of this.”

Adamska didn’t know why the remark stung so much. 

Yes, he was capable of inflicting pain, of doing whatever needed to be done to get to the truth. 

Yes, maybe he liked part of it – it depended on a number of factors ranging from the identity of the victim to the instruments he used – but mostly, he liked being good at it, and the feeling of complete control that came with being the only judge of a man’s fate. 

Also, he had a certain work ethic and experience that meant he generally didn’t have to go too far to get what he wanted, and he – generally – knew when to stop

Ironically enough, it _was_ his first-hand knowledge of torture that made him capable of understanding what Miller was going through. 

Just thinking about what had happened to the man had been enough to make him feel sick, and it seemed incredibly unfair that after everything he’d felt and thought over the last few days, Miller would suggest that he could somehow get pleasure from his pain.

He felt angry at Miller and angry at himself for not finding the right words to respond. 

“You’re not denying it. So, _that’s_ why you’re here? To look at me and imagine what they did to me?” Miller’s voice was getting louder. 

“I _knew_ there was something off about all of this! I kept thinking that it was weird... Wondering why you spent so much time with me... Now I finally get it!” 

Adamska glanced at the door, wondering if anybody could hear Miller. They probably could, he thought with a mix of embarrassment and surprise. He couldn’t believe how fast Miller’s mood had shifted, and he suspected that the drugs were partly to blame. 

“I’m sure this must be very funny to you. And it’s probably even funnier to make me trust you, and confide in you!” He was practically shouting now, and it didn’t seem like he would stop. 

Adamska couldn’t take it anymore. 

He got closer to Miller, grabbed his shoulders and shook him gently. “That’s enough!”, he said in a firm voice. “You’re being ridiculous, Miller.”

The man was looking at him, shocked, and Adamska noticed with apprehension that he was trembling slightly. At first, he thought it was from anger and feared that Miller was going to explode after his initial surprise. But the look on his face made him reconsider.  
He was looking at Adamska with a focused intensity that now seemed devoid of any aggression. Thankfully, he didn’t look particularly panicked, either.

After a moment, he seemed to calm down completely, and it was only then that Adamska realised that his hands had been stroking small patterns on the man’s shoulders, as if he’d just decided to give him a massage in the middle of an argument. 

He would have stopped, but Miller looked so stunned – and so much calmer – that he didn’t really want to. There was a difference, however, between touching someone unconsciously and doing the same thing voluntarily. 

His mind didn’t let him think about that for too long, though. He got distracted by other thoughts – reminding him how warm Miller’s skin was and how comfortable this felt – as well as the look on the other man’s face. His pupils were so dilated that his entire eyes looked black, and there was a splash of colour on his cheeks.

These days, his skin had regained a sort of healthy tint, but this was more than that – he was blushing. The thought made Adamska’s face feel slightly warmer, and he hoped he wasn’t going to embarrass himself as well. 

He was hovering over Miller – a position he had naturally assumed to be able to grab his shoulders – and he was so close to the man that he noticed his blush wasn’t just contained to his cheeks. It was spreading slightly downwards, and Adamska’s gaze followed it from his face and down his neck, until it reached his shirt. There was something satisfying about knowing that a man like Miller could blush in such an undignified way. 

Time had seemed to stop for a moment, but Adamska suddenly became aware once again of the noises around them. Anybody could have come in Miller’s room and witnessed this display of... whatever the hell it was. 

He made himself take a step back, and as soon as his hands left Miller’s shoulders, the man seemed to come out of his daze. When he finally spoke, his voice seemed oddly serene.

“I... I don’t know what came over me. But...”

There was always a “but”...

Adamska didn’t know what to say. If he had to be completely honest, he couldn’t really remember what they had been talking about. All he could think about was that he’d been _this close_ to doing something he would have regretted. 

That had never happened before. Well, it had, but not like this. His fixation on John had been – was? – different. He’d thought about it, but he had never been really tempted to do anything. It had been more like thinking, “wouldn’t it be so _funny_ if I kissed him right now?”

However, there was nothing funny in the way he’d thought about Miller just then.

“...It’s just that I can’t understand why you’re helping me”, Miller finally continued. “It’s not just because of Snake. You’ve said that, in so many words.” 

The man frowned before speaking again. “You’ve been nothing but decent to me, but knowing what you’re renowned for...” 

He didn’t finish the sentence. Finally, Adamska snapped back into reality. “I can’t force you to believe me, Miller. But you have to know that I take no pleasure in what happened to you.” 

Miller was still frowning, but he wasn’t interrupting him, so Adamska kept talking. 

“You and me... We have a lot in common, even if you don’t see it. One of those things is Snake. I’d follow him anywhere, and you’d do the same.” 

Miller lowered his head, a pained look in his eyes. But he still didn’t say anything. 

Adamska couldn’t think of anything else to say, and the feeling of what had happened just before was still present in his mind, influencing him into being far more relaxed and nice than he would normally have. He sighed. 

“Can’t you just accept that I genuinely want you to get better?”, he said before realising how sappy it sounded. 

There, he’d finally embarrassed himself, he thought. 

Miller’s blush hadn’t disappeared, and Adamska started to suspect that it was just another side effect of the painkillers. He scolded himself for thinking he’d caused it.

“If you say so”, Miller finally replied. Adamska wasn’t exactly satisfied by the answer, but like he said, he couldn’t force Miller to believe him, and mistrust was still a step up from downright anger.

The doctor chose this moment to enter the room. He hadn’t knocked and Adamska felt incredibly relieved that he hadn’t decided to come in a few minutes earlier. 

“Good afternoon. Mr Miller, how are you feeling?”

Miller slowly turned his eyes towards the doctor, looking a bit lost. “I’m okay, actually”, he said, “I feel a lot better now”. 

Adamska could tell he was lying, and he was sure that even someone less skilled than he was at spotting lies could see through it. 

“That’s good”, the doctor replied in a tone that clearly showed he didn’t believe any of it.  
He just shook his head when Miller asked, “In fact, doctor, I was wondering if I could get released from the infirmary tomorrow morning... since I feel so much better.”

Adamska couldn’t believe he’d just tried that. After all of his negativity, he was still fighting. He didn’t know whether to be relieved, or amused by the fact that his attempt at getting released had been so lame. It must have been some really powerful drugs he’d taken...

“... I don’t think it will be possible just yet”, the doctor replied, his tone neutral. “Maybe the day after tomorrow, if... a few arrangements are made.” 

He turned towards Adamska. “If his quarters can be within a five minutes’ walk from here, I would consider it, on the condition that the only exercise he gets for a few days is walking from his quarters to here for a check-up.”

To Adamska’s ears, it sounded very positive. He hadn’t expected the doctor to be this accommodating. Waiting one more day wouldn’t be this bad. But apparently, Miller had a different opinion. His gaze had turned dark once again and he didn’t reply. 

Adamska nodded to the doctor. “That’s great news, Doc. I’ll arrange it.”

He decided to push their luck. “Would it be okay if we installed his quarters at an equal distance from the command centre and here?’ 

Miller raised his eyebrows; the doctor seemed really unhappy to be put on the spot.  
“I guess so”, he replied, “... as long as he doesn’t walk for more than 5 to 10 minutes at any time.” 

Addressing Miller, he said, “you need to build up your strength and stamina gradually, or you’ll just end up here again. Also, you shouldn’t do any long walks for a few days, until you’re used to your prosthetic.” 

Miller didn’t even bother nodding, and after having checked once again that he didn’t need anything, the doctor left. 

“That’s good news, right?”, Adamska had to ask. 

“Yeah, right”, Miller replied in a sour voice.

“I’ll prepare your quarters. If you have any requests about it, just let me know.”

Adamska waited for a moment, but it seemed that Miller wasn’t going to answer.

“I’ll see you later, then, Miller.”

\----------------

Back in the command centre, he advised the Boss on his new mission, guiding him out of a hot zone and to the objective – a camp of soldiers suspected of being affiliated to Cipher. Snake had discovered quickly that their lead on Skullface wouldn’t get them anywhere, but maybe this time they would finally find something worthwhile.

“I heard someone talk about an American prisoner missing one leg and one arm”, John said after he had secured the position. “I’m sure they were talking about Kaz, even though our friend would hate knowing that he was called American.”

_Our friend_. Adamska wasn’t sure why John had used the term – he knew that Adamska had no friends – but for a second, he let himself entertain the thought. 

The rest of the conversation, and of John’s mission, turned out to be uneventful – once again. 

The soldiers hadn’t really been affiliated with Cipher after all. They had been employed by Cipher, but without even knowing it. They had heard rumours of a prisoner in a camp further north, and their hatred of Americans had just made them take pleasure in talking about it, at lengths. That was all. 

Adamska was disappointed and annoyed, and he wasn’t even the one in the field. John, however, was as calm and undisturbed as usual.

“Well, there’s nothing more you can do there, Boss. However, maybe some good will come out of your trip. We received word that a Norwegian engineer had been captured and taken prisoner just west of your position. Apparently, he’s made some very promising discoveries in the field of bio-weapons, and Cipher is trying to get their hands on him.”

He paused to send all the information he had on Snake’s iDroid. 

“For now, he’s being held by contracted soldiers and we think he will stay there for a while, but there’s no way of knowing for sure when Cipher will make a move to retrieve him. Your objective is to rescue him before that happens.”

“It will take me a couple of days to get there”, John said, not really sounding bothered by the fact.

“Sending the helicopter would be even longer. It will have to do”, Adamska replied. 

He could hear John drag on his cigar. The sound distracted him for a second, and an image of Miller, a cigar in his mouth, invaded his mind. He really had an issue, he thought, shaking his head. 

“If there’s nothing else, Boss...”, he let his sentence hang, expecting the conversation to stop there.  
“...How is Miller since I left?”, John asked in a softer tone that immediately annoyed Adamska. 

“He’s... He’ll get there, Boss. I’m sure he’ll get better once he leaves the infirmary”, Adamska replied, as lightly as he could. 

“You sound concerned”, John immediately replied. 

Of course, he hadn’t been able to fool Snake. The man was so oblivious and dense sometimes that it was easy to forget that he actually had great powers of observation when he put his mind to it. 

Adamska sighed. “I’m not”, he said without thinking. As if _that_ wouldn’t make Snake even more suspicious. 

“Well, maybe I am, a little”, he admitted. “You asked me to make sure Miller was okay, and you know I’m a bit of a perfectionist”. The most effective lies were always close to the truth. 

“That’s a nice way of putting it”, John said, chuckling. He let the subject drop, and Adamska smirked, pleased with himself.

\----------------

When he returned to his quarters that night, Adamska realised he _missed_ Miller’s company, and the thought hit him like a ton of bricks. 

Of course, he shouldn’t have been surprised, not after all that had happened. And yet, he was surprised – partly because it made so much sense that he wondered why he hadn’t realised it sooner. 

He liked the man’s company, there was no way around it. He had been so focused on picking his thoughts and actions apart that he had forgotten to consider the simplest explanation. He didn’t have to understand it, or have a reason – sometimes, a fact was just a fact. 

This could have been a liberating epiphany, but it sure didn’t feel like it. What was he supposed to do now, after all?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ocelot can’t escape the truth anymore, and DD is not helping at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two are taking so much of my free time it's ridiculous. And I’m not even mad ! However, I really hope I can finish this before next week. Partly for you as well, because it’s getting so long ;) Thank you so much for leaving me nice words and kudos!! It means a lot. 
> 
> As usual, let me know what you think in the comments!

\-----  
Day 7  
\-----

Miller’s quarters had been prepared in the morning and Adamska was now inspecting them, trying to see if anything had been missed. 

He looked slowly across the room, noting that a few clean uniforms, spare crutches as well as tea and coffee had been left per his instructions. As much as he wanted to make the quarters more welcoming, there wasn’t much else he could do. Now, he just hoped that nothing would prevent Miller from getting out the next day.

When he went back out to train DD, the dog insistently tried to make him go towards the infirmary. 

“Come on, DD, you can’t be serious...” he muttered under his breath. 

DD had been trotting for a few seconds, stopping, and then barking at him to follow. They were already halfway through when Adamska finally caught on to what was going on. 

Apparently, the dog missed Miller as well. At least, Adamska thought, the dog had a good excuse: nobody else on the base had treated him with as much enthusiasm as Miller. He tried to call DD back to him, but to no avail. 

“After all, why not...”, he whispered before following DD. He didn’t really register the fact that it hadn’t taken much to convince him. 

Inside the infirmary, Adamska convinced the doctor to let Miller take a few steps outside. He had to get used to his prosthetic somehow, and if he wasn’t in any pain now, it would the perfect time to practice before his release. 

He was smiling when he approached Miller’s bed, but his smile quickly fell when he found the man lying on his side, a defeated look in his eyes.

“Miller”, he greeted before sitting on the chair closest to the bed.

“Ocelot”, the man replied curtly. “What do you want?” 

“I just came to ask you if you’d like to take a few steps outside. It would be good to get some practice before tomorrow”, Adamska replied, trying to stay positive.

Miller snorted. “Stop treating me like a child. I don’t want to go out, and I don’t need you to tell me what to do.”

Adamska stopped himself from pointing out how ironic it was that Miller was being a bit childish – it was only funny in his head. “I thought you couldn’t wait to get out of here”, he simply said.

Miller gave him an angry look. “I told you I didn’t want to go out; what more can I say?”

Adamska sighed. “Come on, Miller. What’s wrong?”, he asked as gently as he could.

The other man closed his eyes for a second before replying, “I’d rather just wait until tomorrow. If something goes wrong before then...”   
His voice trailed off, and Adamska noticed that he didn’t look angry anymore, just very tired. He could sense that Miller wasn’t just being overly pessimistic – something had happened.

Looking around, he saw the man’s crutch thrown on the floor, on the opposite side of the room. He got up and retrieved it, placing it next to Miller’s bed. 

“I’d be there to help you, you know that.”

Miller’s expression grew curious. “I’d just have to take your word for it, I guess.”   
He paused for a second. “Look, I’m sorry about yesterday. I overreacted.”

He frowned before he spoke again. “I still don’t understand what you’re gaining from this”, he said, gesturing between them. “I’d be indebted to you, but what good would that do?” 

“I thought we’d been over this already”, Adamska replied, shrugging. “Come on, Miller, let’s just take a few steps outside.”

He suddenly thought about mentioning DD. “Someone has been missing you a lot, Miller... you have to come out!”

To his ears, it sounded strangely as if he was talking about himself. He felt a pang of embarrassment when he noticed the other man frowning slightly – he must have been thinking the same thing. Fortunately, the moment passed quickly. Miller relaxed visibly, a hint of a smile on his lips. 

Not waiting for his answer, Adamska tapped his shoulder and handed him the crutch. There was the briefest of pauses, where he thought Miller would just sunk back into his sadness and refuse once again, but the man just sighed and grabbed the crutch, putting his feet on the ground. 

Adamska helped him get up, and as soon as Miller put weight on his prosthetic leg, he winced.   
“Do you need anything for the pain?”, Adamska asked, trying to keep his tone even. 

Miller brushed him off. “No, I... I don’t think being on painkillers agree with me”, he said with a grim smile. 

Adamska privately disagreed, remembering the man’s drugged, blurry gaze and his pink cheeks. He would take insults any day if it meant seeing Miller like that again. 

“I’m not really in pain, anyway”, he admitted. “It’s more of a... discomfort.” 

He looked intensely at Adamska. It felt as if he was debating whether to trust him with more information. Finally, he shrugged, and when he started talking again, his eyes looked so earnest that Adamska suddenly felt disarmed. 

“Every time I put my foot on the ground, I can feel this pressure in my leg...” He shook his head slowly. “Reminding me that something is missing... and that... if it doesn’t hurt right now, it could do if I’m not... _careful_.” He spat the last word like an insult.

Adamska knew that anything he’d say would be of little comfort to the man, so he just nodded and squeezed his arm lightly, hoping to convey understanding.

“Come on, let’s go outside”, he said softly. 

He kept close to Miller at first, making sure he wasn’t going to collapse after a few steps. After they’d walked out of his room, however, the man’s frown had disappeared and he’d seemed to surpass his discomfort. He started walking effortlessly towards the door, a determined look in his eyes. 

Adamska had to admit that he was slightly worried by the speed at which he’d gone from hopelessness to confidence, but he dismissed the thought quickly. 

DD jumped around happily as soon as he saw Miller, and Adamska could see the other man trying to fight a smile. After a while, they went to sit on the nearest bench, DD trailing after them. 

“I wasn’t expecting it to feel like that... Not after I’d been perfectly fine walking around two days ago”, Miller suddenly said. 

It took Adamska a moment to realise what he was referring to. He didn’t know what to say. To him, it seemed like Miller just had to come to terms with the fact that he’d probably feel like this for quite a while, but he didn’t want to ruin anything by saying it out loud. 

Instead, he just nodded and then reached in his pocket, suddenly remembering that he had brought something for the man. 

“Here, you forgot this in the command centre the other day.” 

He handed his sunglasses to Miller, who immediately put them on. He looked a bit more like his old self again. 

“Thanks”, he said softly. “I can’t stand the sunlight that much now... the doctor said I was really lucky to not have gone blind.”

Saying this must have brought back memories, and for a moment Miller lowered his head, his lips turned down slightly. Not sure how to answer, Adamska allowed himself to properly look at the man. 

The sunglasses really suited him, he thought. His hair was growing longer, golden and wild, so light but still so much darker than Adamska’s own almost-white hair. His gaze moved to Miller’s neck, and he was reminded of the way he’d blushed there the day before. Watching as closely as he was, Adamska could see the pulse on his neck. The sight made his mouth go dry, for some reason he didn’t understand.

Some part of him was touched that Miller felt comfortable enough to confide in him, even after the accusations he’d shouted the day before. But a bigger, louder part of him was still unhelpfully focussing on other things – like, for instance, how nice it would feel to bite Miller’s neck, just where he’d noticed his pulsing artery. 

He felt embarrassed, but more than that, he felt... excited. It was something he’d always liked to do –biting, especially the neck – in the rare occasions where he’d taken someone to bed. It was still a recurring thought in his fantasies. Adamska felt his heartbeat quicken, unable to escape his thoughts anymore. 

He’d established, and even accepted, that he liked Miller’s company. He could see why the Boss was so fond of him, and occasionally he’d seen a few glimpses of the man Miller had been, before all of this - determined and deadly, quick at making decisions and giving orders. 

Adamska also realised he had an irrational desire to fix the man, and he’d admitted that Miller was... well, an attractive man. But _this_ – this was a step further. What he’d dreamt about had been out of his control, and although the memories of it had been disconcerting, he’d been able to dismiss them after a while. 

It seemed like a simple dismissal wasn’t going to be an option this time. 

Maybe he was a lot lonelier than he had suspected. It had been, after all, a very long time since he’d indulged in anything physical. Uninvited, a little voice whispered in his head that it had been a very long time for Miller as well – as if it somehow justified his whole train of thought.

He forced himself to speak, trying to break this uncomfortable moment that had seemed to stretch forever. 

“Is there, hm, anything you’d like in your quarters for tomorrow?”

Miller finally moved again. “Not that I can think of”, he replied softly. It seemed to Adamska that like himself, Miller had been lost in a moment he had wanted to escape.

“I think I should go back now”, he added afterwards, and Adamska felt a twinge of disappointment despite himself. 

“Right”, he said, “I have to go back to the command centre anyway.” He hadn’t planned for it to sound so petulant, and he hoped Miller wouldn’t notice. If he did, the man didn’t say anything about it.

Adamska accompanied him back to the infirmary, where the doctor examined his leg and asked him a few questions before confirming that he would be released the next morning. 

Miller looked relieved, at last. 

\----------------

Adamska had left the infirmary with a sinking feeling in his chest. This time, he was positive that his thoughts were not going to leave him alone. 

During the rest of the day, he grew antsy and irritable as he found it more and more difficult to concentrate on his work. He couldn’t stop thinking about Miller, or sex – or most frequently, both at the same time. 

It seemed incredibly unfair that the urges he usually managed to suppress were coming back to plague him now. In the past, when he’d felt like that, he’d just had to find a random woman in a bar, get it out of his system, and then go back to his life. 

What was he supposed to do this time, seduce Miller? The man was such a big womaniser that Adamska probably had more chance of seducing the Boss. 

As an experiment, he looked with curiosity at all the recruits he crossed path with during the afternoon – male and female – to see if he felt remotely attracted to any of them. Not that he would do anything anyway. They were his soldiers, he had a responsibility to be a good commander to them and not sexually harass them... But at least, it would show that his situation wasn’t _that_ hopeless. He would just have to live with it until he could leave the base for a while and find himself someone... suitable. 

After he’d creepily looked at half of the recruits on Motherbase, he realised it had been wishful thinking. He couldn’t even concentrate long enough on anyone before a thought of Miller crossed his mind. Annoyed, he had decided to go back to his quarters to take a long, cold shower when Snake contacted the base.

“Ocelot, are you there?”

“Yes, Boss. What’s the matter?”

“I think I’m close to the target’s position, but the base is heavily guarded. I’ll need more supplies”, John said softly.

“You made it in under a day?... That’s great work, Boss”, Adamska replied, genuinely impressed – something he felt often around the Boss.

“I found a wild horse... tamed it. Now, about the supplies, when do you think I could have them? I need more guns, ammo, and first aid supplies... and food”, John added after a while. 

Adamska studied Snake’s position on the map and contacted the supply team. They could be there before the morning if they set off now, they said. Adamska transmitted this to John. 

“Good. I’ll set up camp here and wait for them. I’ll keep an eye on the situation to make sure Cipher doesn’t make a move on our guy before tomorrow.” 

“Roger that, Boss”, Ocelot said before leaving the command centre. Even talking to John about the mission hadn’t managed to dissipate his thoughts of Kazuhira Miller. 

_Kazuhira_... Adamska didn’t speak Japanese, but he knew how the name was supposed to be pronounced. In his opinion, it was a much better name than Benedict – there was a melodious quality to Japanese names that couldn’t be rivalled. 

He rolled his eyes, conscious of where his thoughts had taken him once again.

He stopped at his quarters and took his much deserved cold shower. His head felt only a bit clearer afterwards. That sweet, oppressing warmth in his body had subsided, but he felt an emptiness in its place that made him want to seek Miller’s company again. At least, the worst of his thoughts had gone away, so maybe... Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he went back to the infirmary, after all. 

If he’d been able to see himself from the outside and _hear_ his own rationalisation, he would have noticed how weak it was. But he couldn’t see or hear himself, so he just accepted it, and after having found some clean clothes, he went back to see Miller again. 

He stopped just before arriving at the door, suddenly feeling self-conscious about a second visit in a matter of hours. He had already turned back, and was ready to go for a late training session with DD when the infirmary door burst open. He heard Miller calling out to him. 

“Hey, Ocelot.”

At that moment, Adamska felt really grateful that the man didn’t know the base well enough yet to realise that him being here, turning away, meant that he’d necessarily come to the infirmary and changed his mind.

“You’re out again, Miller. That’s good”, he just said in reply.

“You’re out as well.” Miller stated with a small smirk that made Adamska wonder if he was suspecting something after all. “I just needed to take a few steps again, to reassure myself that I could”, he added after a moment.

Adamska couldn’t think of anything else to say; he couldn’t even remember what he had intended to say to Miller in the first place. He wasn’t even sure that he’d known it to begin with. He pointed towards the other side of the platform.

“That’s where your quarters are. And just past it,” he said, moving his finger to another point, “is the command centre.”

That had sounded so random that Adamska suddenly felt embarrassed. However, Miller had the decency to look interested and even to make a comment. 

“I wish I could walk there right now”, he said, looking in the direction Adamska had pointed to. “Technically, I could walk there right now, but you know what I mean”, he added. 

Adamska smiled, his embarrassment forgotten. “I know what you mean. But believe me, you don’t want to be on our doctor’s bad side. He seems harmless enough but he can have a real bite. He just behaves himself in front of me because he’s scared”, he said. 

Miller chuckled. “I think it’s the cowboy outfit, you know. Scaring people off.”

Adamska pretended to be affronted. “What’s wrong with it? Cowboys are cool.” 

He heard another chuckle and, focusing on Miller’s face, he noticed a small crease on the corner of his eyes when he smiled. The sight was enough for that damned, warming feeling to come back to him.

“It looks even cooler with sunglasses, if you want to know”, he added without thinking. He thought he’d gone too far, but Miller simply laughed. Even after he went quiet, a smile was playing on his lips. Adamska couldn’t help but smile as well, feeling more and more relaxed. 

“I didn’t think you were the type to joke around, Ocelot”, Miller finally said.

“Like I said before, you simply don’t know me enough”, Adamska replied, feeling very pleased with himself. 

Miller considered him with a strange expression. “...I’m starting to think that’s true.”

He continued, “Do you know what the Boss said when he first told me you would... help me, after he brought me back?”  
He had seemed to hesitate over the word ‘help’, as if he’d wanted to say something else but thought better of it. 

“Go on”, Adamska simply said. 

“He said you were one of the most efficient men he knew, and that we would work well together if I could see past your... obsessive and intense personality.”

There were so many things about that sentence that Adamska didn’t know where to start. John complimenting him, Miller indirectly offering the same compliment, his “obsessive and intense” personality... For a second, he thought he wouldn’t be able to reply at all.

“I really have no idea what he meant by that”, he finally said, conscious that it was probably the easiest answer he could have thought of. 

“Anyway, I’m starting to think that working with you won’t be as difficult as he made it out to be.” 

Adamska felt his face heat up and he prayed that his blush wasn’t noticeable. Fortunately, Miller didn’t notice anything. 

“I hope you’ll still feel that way when we’ll finally get to working together”, Adamska said jokingly. He fell silent then, and Miller didn’t add anything either, a strange look once again settling in his eyes. 

Adamska saw him look down, and followed his gaze to his crutch. It was trembling very slightly.

“I should go back inside”, Miller stated. He wasn’t smiling anymore, Adamska noticed, and he felt once again an urge to make it better. But there was nothing he could now.

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow, Miller.”

\----------------

That night, Adamska dreamt of Miller again. Partly lucid in his sleep, he had noted Miller’s presence with satisfaction, getting ready for a good show. A second level of consciousness in his mind had actually been ashamed of this, but all of these preoccupations disappeared when the dream started to reveal itself. 

Miller was in Afghanistan, and the various images that had been part of Adamska’s first dream played out again. But this time, they weren’t just flashes – they stayed there, and the whole thing seemed to last for ages. 

Some details hadn’t been there the first time – in particular, a gut-wrenching depiction of Miller begging and crying for what seemed like hours, in a dark cell, with no one to listen to him. 

Some of Adamska’s prisoners had begged like that – he remembered it, how he had either ignored them or promised them to stop if they just gave him what he’d asked, depending on his mood. Now, in his sleep, he couldn’t have ignored Miller’s cries even if he’d tried. 

Generally, when something upset him in a dream, he’d either be able to modify it, or just wake up. This time, it just seemed to drag on and on and on, the way only a dream could do. 

What finally made him wake up was a gunshot. In his dream, the soldiers had probably realised they weren’t going to get any information out of Miller and instead decided to get rid of him. He heard the gunshot and immediately woke up, but it didn’t prevent him from feeling like he had actually seen Miller’s brain spattered all across the sandy floor of his cell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was editing this chapter and I read “Adamska saw him look down, and followed his gaze to his crotch” and I thought “shit, this is very direct. I can’t believe I wrote that.”   
> And then I realised it said _crutch_ , not crotch. No, the crotch watching/grabbing/etc will be for another chapter. Very very soon.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miller gets terribly bored after his release from the infirmary. Ocelot decides to keep him company. ...Things happen...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not saying anything more for now ;)

\-----  
Day 8  
\-----

Adamska looked at his clock. It was almost 6am and he decided to just get up. He really needed to clear his head. 

After putting some clothes on as fast as he could, he decided to go to the command centre to make sure Snake’s supplies had arrived safely. The trip from his quarters to the command centre took him even less time than usual, as he’d found that walking slowly allowed his mind to wander too much. 

In his line of work, he’d seen – and done – some pretty gruesome things and he hadn’t been bothered in the slightest. In his dream, however, it had been different. It had _felt_ different – as if his emotions were not his own, but those of someone weaker and more impressionable – and the memories of it were following him.

He had been a fool to think that he couldn’t deal with erotic dreams, because this was infinitely worse. He knew that some dreams could be powerful enough to influence someone’s behaviour even after they had woken up. He wasn’t sure it had been the case with him, but he was feeling some sort of restlessness, and something almost akin to anxiety that he suspected wouldn’t have been there without the dream.

Arriving at the command centre, he was finally able to tune out his thoughts to guide Snake to the supply drop point. 

“You should be able to see it now, Boss”, he said, looking at his map showing both Snake’s position and the package that had been dropped a few minutes earlier.

“I don’t have much visibility... there’s some sort of mist covering everything here.”

Adamska signalled at someone to check the weather reports. Seeing it, he frowned – there shouldn’t have been any mist. It was supposed to be a sunny day. Unless...

“Boss! Be careful, the Skulls could be nearby”, he shouted. 

“They must be closer to the camp. The mist is thicker in that direction”, John replied calmly.

“You have to get to this guy before them, Boss.”

“That’s going to be a bit difficult”, John said flatly.

“You have to avoid them at all costs. If they spot you, you’ll never be able to leave the base with the prisoner unarmed.”

Over the next hours, Adamska reviewed a map of the area, gathered intel about the enemies’ position in the base and came up with a potential route for Snake to take into the camp and out. There was a moment of tension when Snake was almost spotted by one of the Skulls and had to wait twenty minutes cramped in a box before he could move again, but apart from that, everything went surprisingly well.

“Boss, the helicopter will arrive shortly. How is our guy?”, Adamska asked after Snake had left the hot zone with the rescued engineer. 

“He’s okay; he said they treated him well. He’s lucky that they needed him for something other than information.”

That’s when Adamska remembered what he had planned to do that morning. Miller was getting released from the infirmary, and although his presence wasn’t exactly required, Adamska wanted to be there. In his mind, he had imagined that he’d be the one to accompany Miller to his new quarters, liberating him from the infirmary.

After making sure that everything was fine for John, he quickly excused himself and walked even faster than he’d done that morning to reach the infirmary.

It was already close to noon, and for a second he thought that there was no way Miller would have waited this long when he had been scheduled to be released in the morning.  
However, when he entered the room, Adamska found Miller animatedly talking to the doctor and one of the recruits. He shot Adamska a dirty look when he noticed his presence. 

“Ocelot, _finally_ ”, he said angrily, dismissing the recruit he had been talking to with a careless wave of his hand.

“...Sorry, Miller. Something came up and I lost track of time”, Adamska replied. 

Miller frowned, and most of his anger seemed to have been defused by the apology.

“Well...You’re under no obligation to be here”, he said, shrugging. “It’s just that I couldn’t really tell how to get to my quarters from here... Nobody else seemed to even know that I was getting released today, and the doc...”, he continued, directing his gaze towards the man on his left “... refused to let me leave until he was 100% sure that I knew where I was going.”

Yes, Adamska could see why that’d be annoying. 

Motherbase was a bit of a maze, and he’d had to settle on an awkward location to satisfy the doctor’s requirements regarding Miller’s quarters. The only way to get there from the infirmary was a set of long corridors that had nothing to do with the more straightforward route to the command platform they had taken before. 

“I’m not surprised that you couldn’t figure out how to get there, even if you knew the general direction”, he replied. “The recruits who helped prepare your quarters are working on another platform today and...” 

He paused, conscious that his explanation was lacking any real substance. “...I was planning on being here, so it didn’t seem relevant to make a big announcement.”

Miller seemed more irritated now than really angry. “Well, you’re here now, so how about we get going?”

“Remember, Mr Miller, you have to come back here every day!”, the doctor said when they were approaching the door. Miller turned back to give him one last, dark look before following Adamska outside.

“Finally”, he sighed, looking at the sea around the base. 

“Don’t worry”, Adamska said lightly, “you have a pretty good sea view from your quarters as well.” 

Miller chuckled briefly, but his expression suddenly grew concerned. “I was in kind of a bad mood back there... I think I traumatised some of the staff, shouting at them that they were incompetent because they couldn’t tell me where my quarters were.”

He had paused, and Adamska took it as his cue to reply. “I’m sure they’ve suffered much worse already”, he said in the same light, easy tone he tried to keep around Miller. 

“I know that”, Miller quickly replied. “That’s not the point I was trying to make”, he said before going silent again. This time, Adamska didn’t say anything and waited. 

“I’m just surprised that my mood lightened up that quickly”, Miller finally said. “I guess I must have really wanted to get out of there.”

They had walked for a few minutes and Adamska could already see their destination from the corner of his eye – it was a short walk, but you had to know where you were going. 

“That’s understandable”, he finally said to Miller. 

After a few more meters, he pushed open a set of heavy metallic doors. “Right, here we are.”

“That’s your quarters”, he said, gesturing to the right of the hall. 

He unlocked the door and let Miller go in first. The man took a moment to explore the small space, nodding as he went through the items Adamska had placed on his desk – copies of previous reports, maps, calendars, and a cassette player with a few tapes alphabetically ordered next to it. 

“I thought that you’d like some music in here”, Adamska said, feeling the need to justify himself.

“Thanks, Ocelot”, Miller just replied, seemingly lost in thought. 

“There are some books as well”, Adamska added, pointing at the bedside table. 

Miller raised his eyebrows, smiling slightly. “You seem to have put a lot of thought into this”, he commented teasingly. 

Adamska shrugged. “Not really”, he replied, but it didn’t ring true, even to his own ears.

Miller just kept on smiling for a while, but didn’t add anything. Then, he turned serious once again. “I...I’ll go to the command centre later today...” He had a brief, humourless laugh, before adding, “...For my daily walk.” 

“There shouldn’t be much to do since the Boss is coming back, but it will be good for you to get back into... things”, Adamska replied, unsure. 

He hadn’t really thought about what Miller would do all day. If he could only go out twice a day and was only allowed to visit the command centre and the infirmary, he’d go as crazy in his quarters as he’d had before, no matter how many books and tapes Adamska had put there for him. 

“I’m sure the doctor will let you have a normal routine soon enough, Miller.” 

“Yeah, right”, the man replied dismissively. “What are _you_ going to do today, anyway?”

Adamska hadn’t expected that question. Part of him felt that it was a good thing that Miller was interested enough to ask, but another part – which didn’t want to admit that he hadn’t planned anything and just thought he would accompany the man to the command centre – suddenly felt trapped. 

“Actually...” he started, trying to think fast, “... I was going to train the intel team today.”

For a second, it looked as if Miller wanted to say something. Then, he just shrugged, and walked to sit on his bed. 

“Oh, okay. Try not to scare them too much”, he said, a strange smile on his smile. 

“Right. I’ll go then”, Adamska said without actually moving for a few seconds. Miller nodded at him, and he finally turned back towards the door, feeling dissatisfied.

\----------------

The recruits of the intel team looked a bit surprised when he suddenly decided on an impromptu training session, but of course they didn’t question him.

Unhappily, he spent all afternoon going through reports with them, identifying potential informants, spies or other sources of information. He also gave them a few interrogation pointers, but there wasn’t much else they could do in that department without practice. 

The whole time, he kept thinking about Miller, wondering how he was adjusting and if he should have fought his instinct and stayed with him instead of running away. After all, it could – _would_ – have been normal to accompany him for a while after his release. It seemed like common sense now, but Adamska had been so suspicious of the idea at first that he’d tried to avoid it at all cost. 

After dismissing his recruits, he went back to the command room and found it almost empty. The only soldier present was on guard duty. When Adamska inquired about Miller, the soldier replied that he had left more than an hour before. 

Now, Adamska felt a wave of guilt wash over him. He’d known there wasn’t much to do that day, and he had still left Miller there, alone. He knew that Miller was a grown man, and that he hadn’t really been alone anyway... but it didn’t stop him from feeling like he could have done more. 

He could have stayed with Miller, and talked the time away, waiting for the Boss to come back. Thinking about it now and imagining how it would have felt to share that with Miller made him regret his actions even more. 

He could picture it perfectly – Miller, alone in his room, sitting on his bed and staring at nothing, for hours, with no one to make sure he was okay. Again, he knew deep inside that he was just being dramatic, but the guilt was overpowering. He _had_ to do something.

On a whim, he stopped by the kitchen and asked for some food before going to Miller’s room. Today’s menu, he noted happily, was hamburger and fries. Thinking Miller would appreciate the gesture, he even made a quick stop in his own quarters to grab some beer from his private stash.

It was only when he knocked on Miller’s door that he realised how ridiculous he would feel if Miller wasn’t there, or was busy, or simply didn’t want to see him. 

In the few, excruciating seconds it took for the other man to answer the door, Adamska felt his heart speed up considerably. It didn’t slow down when Miller opened the door, his eyebrows raised.

“Ocelot”, he simply said, only a hint of surprise in his voice. “Come in.”

“I thought you’d like some company”, Adamska explained. “I brought food... and beer”, he added, feeling more and more self-conscious. 

“Oh!”, Miller exclaimed, his eyes lighting up for a second at the mention of beer. Then, he said, “...I’m not sure the doc would be happy with that...”

Adamska shrugged. He walked in the room and placed everything on Miller’s desk. There were a few reports scattered there, with notes scribbled over, and Adamska could see he had been listening to some music as well, which gave him a weird sense of accomplishment. He turned to look at Miller again. 

“Well, he never said you couldn’t drink alcohol, right?”, he said, smiling.

Miller grinned at him. “No, he didn’t mention anything about that.”

They sat to eat and drink, and for a few minutes, no one spoke. Miller seemed entirely too happy to concentrate on his hamburger, and the look of pure joy on his face after his first sip of beer made Adamska’s pulse quicken once again. Trying to distract himself, he asked, “So, how was your first, hm, afternoon out?”

Miller frowned and took another sip of beer before he answered. He had finished his first bottle, and gestured to Adamska to hand him another one. 

“Completely uneventful”, he answered. “I had to start reading those reports you brought”, he added, shaking his head.

“There will be more to do tomorrow”, Adamska said, “and I can even bring DD here if you’d like. He could keep you company.” 

Miller just shrugged, but Adamska could sense that his offer was appreciated.

“I was getting so bored that I thought about going back to the infirmary just for the sake of it”, Miller said with a smile. From the tone of his voice, however, Adamska could tell that it wasn’t really a joke. He didn’t comment on it and made himself smile back, trying to keep the atmosphere as relaxed as possible. 

He took another beer and, glancing in Miller’s direction, he noticed that the man’s second beer was almost gone. It was a really strong beer and, still being in recovery, Miller was already showing some signs of inebriety. His eyes were glazed, and he looked almost carefree now.

“I’m sorry I didn’t have any Japanese beer”, Adamska said, “but you seem to enjoy this one enough.”

“It’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted”, Miller replied happily, opening a third bottle. 

His smile, as content and disarming as it was now, made it impossible for Adamska to look away. Pleasant, intoxicating warmth was spreading through his body, in part because of the alcohol, and he simply kept drinking, not even bothering to talk. 

It was too easy to just look at Miller, noting the darkness of his dilated pupils, the curve of his lips, and the fine lines around his eyes and mouth that somehow made his face look even more interesting. When he focused his gaze on Miller’s eyes once again, he noticed that the man was also looking at him. It was hard to judge from his face whether he’d found Adamska’s attention suspicious, and he didn’t say anything. 

Uncharacteristically, Adamska made himself look away first, lowering his head before reaching for his beer. He felt even warmer now, as he was finishing his second bottle – it would take a lot more than that to make him properly drunk, but when he was in the right kind of mood, he would usually allow himself to at least relax. 

He noticed the first tingles of excitement within his body, and he tensed as memories from his first, shameful dream started to flood into his head. He noticed from the corner of his eye that Miller was opening yet another beer, but couldn’t really bring himself to be worried about it. The images in his head, coupled with the sight of Miller – cheeks flushed, lips slightly apart, exactly as he’d been in that dream – were starting to make his head spin. 

He found it increasingly hard to concentrate on anything else than the man sitting in front of him, and he was torn between accepting it and wanting it to stop.

He was brought back to reality by Miller’s laugh. “You look drunk, Ocelot”, he said, sounding quite drunk himself. 

Adamska didn’t find it in him to deny it. Despite his high tolerance for alcohol, he _felt_ drunk – on the way his body was responding to Miller’s presence, on the man’s tempting lips, on the fantasies his brain was feeding him. 

“You’re drunker than me. And you can’t call me Ocelot forever... Do you even know my real name?” 

He really didn’t know where the question had come from, and frankly, he was way past caring. 

“No, and yes”, Miller replied with a laugh. “I think you’re drunker than me, actually, _Adamska_...”

The way he had said it – softly, almost in a whisper – made Adamska’s stomach flare up with a heat that he knew all too well. 

He felt his ears burn, and knew that he was going to give himself away if this kept going on. His only hope was that Miller would be too drunk to notice anything unusual. His instinct told him that he had to leave now, that he’d done what he had to do and anything more would just put him at risk. However, he found it impossible to move from his seat. The way Miller had pronounced his name was echoing through his head, luring his mind deeper and deeper into lust. 

“You look so shocked”, Miller pointed out, a smug look on his face. 

Adamska was finally able to answer. “Not shocked, just... surprised.”

“Codenames are practical, but I always make a point of knowing my soldiers’ and my colleagues’ real names”, Miller explained, shrugging. “I think it’s a good way to build trust.”

Adamska couldn’t really argue with that – in fact, he couldn’t really argue with anything.   
The beer had definitely made him a bit lightheaded, but more than that, it was the hot, crude flashes of images in his mind that were making him dizzy. He was looking at Miller, but what he was seeing was entirely different. It seemed like every movement the man was making was being turned around and interpreted in a perverse way by his subconscious. Even the way Miller was holding his beer, grasping at it firmly, his legs slightly spread, seemed strangely erotic. 

When Adamska saw the man carefully lick his lips after a sip of beer – his eyes veiled, almost closed, his tongue a sharp pink – he felt a sudden rush of arousal and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 

He wanted – _needed_ – it to stop before it went too far. He needed to get a grip on himself.   
Ironically though, he realised that he had been having a good time with Miller, and didn’t want to leave. Somewhere in his head, he heard himself think that if he just gave in to it, it would go away naturally, but something about that logic bothered him, and seeing no other option, he stood up to leave. 

“I should go”, he simply said, not fully realising how abrupt it sounded. 

Miller frowned. He was opening another beer, his movements still graceful despite the amount of alcohol he’d ingested and the fact that he only had one hand to accomplish the task. 

“What?”, he asked, “Just like that?”

He actually sounded disappointed, which wasn’t helping Adamska at all.

“I think you were right Miller, I’ve had too much to drink”, he said, hating himself for lying and making himself sound weak at the same time. 

Miller shook his head. “Man, you’re such a lightweight”. He paused, looking drunkenly thoughtful. “Let’s have a walk around the base, then!” he exclaimed after a moment, “it will clear your head up a bit.”

Adamska had been ready to protest when Miller tried to stand up. 

Then, everything seemed to happen at once: Miller, forgetting about his prosthetic and his crutch, losing his balance, tripping and falling slowly towards the floor; Adamska leaping to catch him, supporting him firmly and sitting them both on the bed. 

Why he hadn’t simply made Miller sit back on his chair, he didn’t know – or maybe he did know, but didn’t want to admit it to himself. Still high on adrenaline, Adamska took a moment to realise that the other man was shaking, the sound of his breathing deep and sharp in the silent room. 

It took him even longer to realise that his hands were still clutching Miller’s body. The proximity of the other man was slowly but surely reviving his fiery lust, which had been temporarily blinded by Miller’s perilous tumble.   
He didn’t move for a few seconds, feeling as if the fragile balance they had here could collapse at any time. And collapse it did. 

Adamska was painfully aware of Miller’s body under his hands, of the man’s breath, so close to his face that he could almost taste it, and something in him just snapped. Slowly, he dragged his hands down Miller’s arm and torso - it could have been a pretty innocent gesture if he had just done it quickly before pulling his hands away. Instead, he kept them in place after they’d moved on the other man at a deliberately slow pace. 

There was no place in his mind for _leaving_ anymore, no place for doubt or restraint, although he still didn’t dare looking into Miller’s eyes. Tentatively, he let his hands follow the same trail back up to the man’s shoulders. His mouth was dry and his heartbeat didn’t seem to be ready to slow down, but the solid warmth of Miller’s body, so close to him, and the fact that the man hadn’t moved or said anything yet made it all worth it. 

His hands were still once again, and he finally made himself turn his head slightly towards Miller. The sight made his breath hitch, and he found it hard to inhale, as if a lump of pure tension had settled in his throat. 

Miller was looking at him with a mix of disbelief and curiosity, his cheeks lightly flushed. When, emboldened by his expression, Adamska moved one of his hands to the man’s lower back, Miller’s cheeks got even redder. But he held his gaze, eyebrows raised, as if daring Adamska to go further. 

Through the haze of his arousal, Adamska told himself that it couldn’t be – he was misreading it, Miller couldn’t have been inviting him to... The man was drunk, confused... There was _no way_ – 

His line of thought was abruptly cut off when he felt a hand on the back of his head. He barely had any time to register it before he was dragged into a clumsy, unexpected kiss.  
Miller’s lips were soft against his own, coaxing him to move, but Adamska was so stunned that his mouth stayed slack. 

Then, as Miller’s hand had started gripping his hair more tightly, he was finally able to appreciate what was happening. The feeling of the man’s mouth on his and the heavy taste of beer made him whimper softly. 

Gently, he began responding to Miller’s attentions and felt the other man smile against him. The kiss rapidly turned hungrier, and it seemed to Adamska that instead of satisfying his curiosity, the whole thing was making him crave more and more of Miller. His right hand was travelling up and down Miller’s back, feeling with satisfaction how the man moved into his touch. His other hand was on Miller’s shoulder, but he hastily placed it on the back of the man’s neck, drawing him closer, deepening their kiss even further. 

Kissing Miller was like being in a dream, where things just happened for no reason and felt so inexplicably good that the only thing you could do was just accept it, and enjoy. However, when he felt the tip of Miller’s tongue on his lips, Adamska pulled himself back, breathing heavily. 

Miller opened his eyes slowly and licked his lips. His face was still red, and he seemed to be fighting to catch his breath.

“What’s the matter?”, he said, his voice hoarse.

“This... this shouldn’t be happening”, Adamska replied, surprising even himself.

Miller laughed drily. “Are you kidding me? After all of this, that’s all you have to say?” 

“You’re drunk... We both are... This isn’t what you want.” It wasn’t completely true, and he knew it. But mostly, he just had a feeling that he would completely lose himself if they kept going – that he would drown into those sweet, delicious sensations and not come out the same – and it terrified him. 

“This is bullshit”, Miller said, annoyed, “and you know it.” 

For a second, Adamska thought he saw a soft, vulnerable look on the man’s face, but it disappeared quickly.

“ _You_ started this. The least you could do is to not be a coward about it now.”

For a moment, Adamska thought about defending himself, but he couldn’t really find anything to say. Miller was right. Deep down, he knew it, but the feelings swirling in his head were confusing him so much that he stayed silent. 

After all his rationalising, he couldn’t hide behind the fact that he was lonely, that he and Miller strangely got along, or that he had to get a taste of the man to get over everything that had plagued him. The truth was, he just wanted to fuck Miller – badly – and he couldn’t deal with it. 

He flinched when he felt Miller’s hand grab his, and place it gently on his own chest. Adamska could feel the other man’s heart, beating quite erratically. This odd, tender gesture seemed so out of place there, and yet he could feel part of his indecision melt. He opened his mouth, ready to apologise, but Miller was faster.

“I _need_ to feel this, Ocelot. I need to feel _something_ ”, he said softly, in a broken voice. 

The raw, naked emotion he heard there was Adamska’s undoing. He felt the last of his doubts and fears slip from his mind as quickly as they’d appeared, and he gently cupped Miller’s cheek. Leaning in to kiss him, Adamska saw a flash of defiance and eagerness in his eyes. The look suited him perfectly, he decided as his mouth was enveloping Miller’s, making them both breathless. 

This time, he welcomed Miller’s tongue and the sensation quickly reminded him of the longing he’d felt a few moments before. Finally giving in, he pushed Miller gently on the bed, abandoning his mouth to nibble on his neck, applying more pressure as he heard a small moan coming from his lips. Miller’s moan grew louder when Adamska bit him more forcefully, and he had a quick, breathless laugh. 

“I should have known”, Miller simply stated before Adamska attacked his mouth once again. The kiss was a lot messier now, and a loud groan escaped from Adamska’s mouth when Miller playfully bit down on his lip. It almost felt like he could taste the faintest trace of blood, and the thought aroused him terribly. 

He could feel his own clothes stick uncomfortably to his body, and he was painfully aware of his cock, straining against the rough fabric of his pants. He had never thought that a simple kiss could make him feel so much, and it seemed terribly unpractical that something so good could be so unsatisfying at the same time. 

Quietly, he moved one of his legs to place it on the other side of Miller’s body. He was all but straddling the man now, and he felt Miller tense slightly when Adamska pressed his hips against his. The man’s hesitation vanished quickly however, and he lifted his hips, moving urgently against Adamska. 

The need for air forced them to separate, and Adamska lifted himself up to properly look at Miller, while his hands explored the man’s chest. Miller’s hair was wildly spread on the bed, and his eyes still held this air of boldness and exhilaration that made Adamska shiver with anticipation. 

Even with his prosthetic leg, the man was able to match him move for move, grounding their bodies together fiercely. Slowly, Adamska opened up Miller’s shirt, looking questioningly at the man to gauge how far he was allowed to go. He’d grimaced slightly at first, when Adamska started to trace some of the scars on his chest with his hands and mouth, but his discomfort had vanished quickly. 

He was breathing heavily, not once faltering under his gaze, and Adamska was growing desperate – desperate to explore the man’s golden skin, to taste him, to claim him – but he could sense that their encounter was so unexpected and improbable that he had to advance carefully. 

Moving his hand on Miller’s belt, he paused, giving the other man another chance to come to his senses and put a stop to this. However, Miller just raised his eyebrows again, taunting him. His resolve had almost broken, but he’d stayed in control, gently removing Miller’s belt and opening his trousers. He pushed them down, and felt his own face burn at the sight of the man’s underwear – and more precisely, the shape of his cock, heavy and swollen under the plain cotton of his boxers. 

He felt the whole weight of what he was doing then, visions of his dream coming back to his mind as he realised that this was the moment it would stop being a fantasy. He gasped when Miller’s hand reached down to get rid of the undergarment, a deep blush rising on his cheeks as he exposed himself to Adamska.

They had stopped moving, and he could sense that Miller was starting to feel a bit self-conscious despite the earnest confidence he’d displayed so far, but Adamska couldn’t make himself look away from the man’s arousal. He knew he was staring, but surely at this point it wouldn’t matter. 

There was something fascinating about looking at another man in that way. Miller’s cock was resting on his stomach – it was slightly bigger than his own, he noted with interest – ,the head almost purple. Adamska licked his lips appreciatively, happy to see that Miller was at least as affected as he was by the whole situation. 

Looking intensely into his eyes, he placed his hand on the man’s cock, barely touching him at first, and heard Miller gasp. Keeping his gaze firmly on Miller’s face now, he moved his hand in a lazy rhythm, increasing just slowly in pressure and speed. He could sense the tension building within Miller, his breathing growing more and more erratic and his erection feeling even firmer under Adamska’s hand. Suddenly, he paused, bringing his hand to his mouth and conscientiously licking it for added lubrication. Miller stifled a groan and Adamska just grinned, putting his hand back to work. 

“Ocelot, _fuck_...”, the man whispered as Adamska experimentally flicked his wrist, carefully changing the angle of his caress. 

He could feel his own cock, still trapped in his pants and begging for attention, but for now it was all about Miller, all about seeing him come apart under his hand. Strangely, feeling the solid weight of Miller’s erection while only looking at his face to monitor his expression felt even more erotic than looking at what his hand was doing. 

Miller’s face was a deep shade of pink, with a thin sheen of sweat clinging to his forehead. Perhaps sensing how much it was turning him on, he kept his eyes open and held Adamska’s gaze. Then, as Adamska picked up speed once again, Miller groaned loudly and tensed up, spilling himself on his own stomach and Adamska’s fingers.

Adamska thought that if he’d been younger, he might have come then, untouched, in his pants. He stayed still, waiting for Miller to catch his breath. Then, the man started laughing. 

“Something funny?”, Adamska asked, more curious than annoyed.

Miller regained his composure and offered him a satisfied grin. “Well, Ocelot, I’ve always heard you were good with your hands, but I always assumed it was just about the guns”, he said jokingly. 

Adamska grinned in return. He was starting to move off of Miller when the man’s hand caught his arm in a tight grip.   
“Hey, what are you doing?... You don’t want me to –” his voice trailed off. 

Adamska considered him with seriousness. “You don’t _have_ to”, he replied, forcing himself to shrug. 

Miller rolled his eyes at him. “Come on, don’t be dense”, he said, laughing, “I still have one good hand...It’d be a shame not to put it to good use.”

It was his first, good-natured joke about his situation and Adamska felt himself smile a bit too fondly. He lifted himself from Miller just enough to remove his pants.

“Move closer”, Miller said, his voice firm and demanding. 

Adamska suspected it was the tone he used on recruits, barking orders at them in a way that made it impossible to question him, and his cock stirred noticeably at the thought. He shifted until Miller put a hand on his thigh, stopping him. 

He sighed in relief when Miller finally put his hand on him. His touch felt oddly intimate, and his eyes didn’t leave Adamska’s face. He looked so focused that Adamska felt the urge to bend down and kiss him furiously. After that, it didn’t take long for him to come, a powerful, sudden orgasm crashing over him. 

He had been so aroused already, and after the first seconds of hesitation, Miller’s fingers had touched him so nicely that it had been hard to last at all. He didn’t even feel embarrassed – he could see that Miller didn’t care, and he felt so relaxed, finally, that it was difficult to find any fault with what had happened. 

He reached to grab some tissues on the bedside table and gently cleaned Miller’s body, not registering the man’s shocked expression. Then, he wiped himself off before getting off the bed and putting his pants back on. Turning back towards Miller, he could see that the man had a strange expression on his face, but couldn’t really understand why. 

“Well, Miller, maybe I’ll start bringing you food more often”, he said with a sly grin. That seemed to dissipate Miller’s current mood, and he returned Adamska’s smile. 

“I’m not the type to say no to a good hamburger, Ocelot”, he joked. 

Before Adamska excused himself to go back to his quarters, he found himself looking warmly at Miller again. 

When he got out of the room, he sighed. This hadn’t turned out at all like he’d planned. Part of him was relieved, even happy – it had felt even better than everything he could have imagined, and Miller had seemed to enjoy himself – but he couldn’t shake the feeling that the events of the night were going to have more consequences than he could envision. 

He discovered one of those consequences later that night, as he was lying in his bed, craving Miller’s presence, already wanting more of the man – his stupid idea of getting the fantasies out of his head by indulging in them had gloriously backfired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, right ?!  
> As usual, I hope you enjoyed this new chapter! Let me know what you think in the comments :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ocelot doesn't understand the concept of dating, but fortunately, neither does Miller.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got so used to updating every day that I felt bad for not posting anything since Friday... But the new chapter is here now ! I hope you'll like it.  
> As usual, don't forget to leave a comment :3 !!

\------  
Day 9  
\------

When Adamska woke up the next day, he felt tense and tired. He hadn’t been able to sleep for some time after coming back to his quarters. The feeling of relaxation and comfort he felt in his body hadn’t transferred to his mind, and he had been thinking about Miller far too much. 

He didn’t know what he could do now. It was one thing to have a moment of weakness and then move on, but it was quite another to repeatedly have sex with the same person. Not that it would come to that point, he told himself, even though he already knew he wanted it to. 

He’d thought about it before finally falling asleep: he’d already been planning what he’d do to Miller the next time they were going to meet...

He was so angry at himself. First, he wasn’t sure that Miller would want to do anything more with him. He shook his head – that shouldn’t have been the first reason. At all. In fact, part of his anger came from the fact that he just wasn’t confident enough in his capacity to stay away from Miller. 

He hadn’t expected to see the man until later that day and he felt an odd mix of surprise, and trepidation when he opened the door to the command centre and found Miller talking calmly to Snake. 

“Good morning. I had no idea you were back already, Boss”, he said, giving a dark look to the soldier who’d had clear orders to contact him as soon as Snake had arrived. 

Seeing this, Miller took a step towards him and put his hand on Adamska’s arm. “Don’t worry about it, I couldn’t sleep so I came here early and thought you could use some rest.”

Adamska’s first instinct was to feel annoyed, but the look on Miller’s face – so open and relaxed – and his warm hand made him reconsider. More than anything, he was pleasantly surprised that Miller had felt well enough to take the initiative, and maybe shocked that he was touching him in front of witnesses. The touch had been innocent and lasted just a second, but Adamska flinched all the same as Miller’s hands were permanently associated with sex in his mind.

“Hm, okay, right”, he managed to mumble before turning towards Snake. The man had the strangest expression on his face. 

“How is Dr Holt, then?”, he asked, thinking about the engineer Snake had rescued.

“Infirmary”, Big Boss said briefly, “he was mostly fine, but the doc insisted on keeping him today for some exams.” 

“He must be really bored since I left”, Miller jokingly remarked. 

“Yeah, by the way... He told me to remind you that you had to come in today, Kaz”, Snake said with a warm grin. 

Miller frowned. “I’ll go right now, I think... and let you take over”, he said to Adamska, who could only nod, still a bit in shock.

As soon as he was gone, John turned to him and smiled. “I don’t know what you did, Ocelot, but it definitely worked. He looks much better.”

Adamska felt the start of a blush creep upon him. “I’m not sure he’s really out of the woods yet, Boss”, he just said, hoping the conversation would turn to other subjects. 

“He seems to have warmed up to you, anyway”, Snake said, an irritating, smug little smile on his face. This time, Adamska knew he was blushing – such an embarrassment for a master of disguise such as himself. He didn’t reply. 

“I knew you two would make a good team”, Snake commented. Fortunately, he took pity on Adamska and changed the subject. 

“I have some loose ends to tie up in Afghanistan”, he said, “I’ll be heading back after we’ve interrogated the guy.” 

Snake wanted to catch up on some sleep before questioning the engineer, so Adamska went to train DD, then his intel team – and he wasn’t ashamed at all to put the dog first.

Later, he was walking around the base with DD when he saw Miller coming out of the infirmary. The dog noticed him as well, and started trotting happily towards Miller, who greeted him with a grin. 

“Hey, DD”, Miller said softly. He walked towards a bench and sat down to be able to pet the dog properly. His smile was warm and easy, and Adamska swore under his breath as he noticed, once again, that he’d been looking at him with longing.  
He joined them on the bench, feeling both excited and uncomfortable next to Miller. 

“What did the doc say?”, he asked. 

Miller turned slowly towards him, still grinning. “Nothing, really. He seemed satisfied.”  
When he stopped smiling, an air of seriousness setting on his face, Adamska knew he was in trouble. His heartbeat sped up even before the man spoke again. 

“I was expecting to have a terrible headache this morning, but...” 

His voice trailed off for a few seconds, during which he was looking expectantly at Adamska, as if waiting for him to interrupt. Adamska stayed silent, and Miller spoke again. 

“...I feel fine.” 

He looked concerned, although Adamska couldn’t see why. In his mind, it seemed improbable that Miller would want anything more to do with him and he couldn’t even begin to consider that the man was having problems with the same kind of thoughts he had. 

“How about you?” Miller asked. It seemed to Adamska that there was more to this question, but he couldn’t be sure. For a moment, he considered his answer.

“I’m fine too”, he said, just echoing Miller’s words. Whatever Miller had meant, it was the safest bet. And he _was_ fine, after all.

Miller looked at him for a while, his expression thoughtful and slightly troubled.  
Adamska frowned, suddenly afraid that Miller wasn’t fine at all – and especially not fine about what had happened the night before.

“Are you sure everything is okay, Miller?”, he asked, resisting the urge to place his hand on the man’s shoulder.

“Yes, yes”, Miller briefly replied, “I...”

He paused, his eyes lowered. Then, he sighed and met Adamska’s gaze once again. He seemed calmer now, more confident. 

“I was just thinking about...”, he paused again, clearing his throat, “... how nice that burger was yesterday.”

He flushed a little then, and there was no more doubt about what he was really referring to. 

Adamska felt his own face colour at the thought and cursed himself for having been so blind. He was usually so good at reading people, but he had completely missed this.

Now, he wanted nothing more than to jump on Miller right now and show him exactly how nice it could be, but he refrained himself from causing a scene in public. _Later_ , he told himself. 

“Kazuhira”, he whispered, discreetly putting one of his hands on the man’s thigh, “I have to go, but... I’ll see you later.”  
He squeezed his thigh gently, hoping that the gesture as well as his tone of voice had made his invitation clear. 

Not trusting himself, Adamska left, bringing DD back before meeting Snake at the command centre. 

He couldn’t resist the urge to turn around, however, and saw Miller’s eyes following him, his cheeks still burning.

\----------------

In the end, it was past noon when Snake emerged again. When he arrived at the command centre, Adamska had already been waiting for more than thirty minutes. 

Together, they questioned the engineer and learned about his research in new types of viruses. They didn’t know yet how Cipher had been planning on using this, but it didn’t sound good. 

Snake had decided to go back to Afghanistan to hunt for more basic resources and visit a few enemy positions he had neglected before, until they got a better lead. It took a lot of efforts on Adamska’s part to convince him to at least stay one night on the base.

Now free of his duties for the day, Adamska felt restless. He had planned on waiting until dinner to visit Miller, but he really didn’t want to force himself to exercise or write useless reports just to pretend that he had something to do. 

However, suddenly feeling self-conscious, he stopped by his quarters to take a shower and change his clothes. It took him a ridiculous amount of time to decide whether to keep his scarf on or not, and he shook his head, embarrassed. He was forty, and feeling like a teenage girl before her first date...

He thought he would feel better once he arrived in Miller’s quarters, but he got even more nervous as he reached the door. He should have brought more beer, he thought. Or at least some food. Wasn’t it incredibly presumptuous of him to just come here, and expect to have sex with the man again, without making any efforts? Should he have invited him to his quarters instead? Should he have brought a gift?

He wasn’t exactly in his element here. In fact, he’d never had to think about all of this before. But the worst part was that he knew he didn’t have to think about it now, either. It just seemed _natural_ to do so. 

He grew more and more uncomfortable as he waited for Miller to open the door, questions running through his head. Finally, Miller opened the door, his hair wet and a towel carelessly flung over his shoulders. He had obviously dressed himself in a hurry.

“Oh. Sorry, Miller. I can come back later if you’d like”, Adamska offered.

The man shook his head quickly, the movement causing small droplets of water to drip on his clothes. Adamska tried not to stare too obviously at the ones that managed to sneak past his collar, slowly travelling down his neck.

He could already feel the first sparks of excitement invade his mind. At least, it had the merit of clearing his head of his previous nervousness and embarrassment. 

“No, no. Please come in. And...”, Miller paused, slightly tipping his head to one side, “Aren’t we on a first name basis now, Adamska?”

“I guess we could be”, Adamska replied with a smile.

He opened his mouth to speak again, but realised he had nothing he wanted to say. Instead, he closed the gap between himself and Miller, and kissed the man firmly.

He felt Miller relax under his touch, and ran his hands slowly over the man’s back. Stopping only to breathe, Adamska felt lightheaded as the kiss turned more and more passionate. 

He pushed Miller back gently, trying to navigate them towards the bed. At the back of his mind, a warning light was blinking, telling him that he wasn’t thinking straight, that there was no rush. But he couldn’t stop, and Miller didn’t seem disturbed by the pace either. 

Pushing down on the man’s shoulders, he made him sit on the bed, and ran a hand through his blond hair, loving the way Miller sighed as his fingers gently touched his scalp. 

He finally sat on the bed as well, and Miller drew him in for another kiss. He felt a jolt of warmth as the man’s hand settled on his thigh, massaging him lightly. Miller’s hair was wet and soft under his hand, and judging by the man’s soft moans, Adamska’s scalp massage technique wasn’t half bad. 

His other hand was touching Miller’s chest, trying clumsily to open the button of his shirt. There was a hint of sweetness in Miller’s taste, he realised as the kiss deepened, and he found it intoxicating. Lost in the sensations, his imagination ran wild and he suddenly remembered about his first dream. He broke the kiss, a deep urge taking hold of him. 

“What – ”, Miller started saying as Adamska sank to his knees. 

Looking into Miller’s eyes, Adamska gently made him open his legs, and placed himself between. Miller had a look of pure shock on his face. Then, he lowered his head, and Adamska could see that he was blushing – again. 

He licked his lips in anticipation, pleased by the other man’s reaction. Slowly, he took Miller’s pants off, kissing his legs as he did so. Miller gasped softly when Adamska removed his underwear – he was hard, and the discovery made Adamska grin. For one second, he’d been afraid that Miller would have been uncomfortable with the position, with Adamska being so close to his wounded leg, but the man seemed as lost as he was in what they were doing.

He started touching him as he’d done the day before, but he could tell that Miller knew what he was planning, that he was _waiting_ for him to lower his head and take him in his mouth. His expression was almost more impatient than surprised now, and Adamska couldn’t resist teasing him. Dipping his head low, he paused before turning to one side, gently kissing the inside of Miller’s thigh. 

Miller groaned, the sound going straight to Adamska’s cock. From this position, he could identify all the nuances in Miller’s smell – the soap he’d used earlier, his sweat, the musky smell of his arousal. 

The first touch of his tongue on the man’s skin was not at all how he’d imagined it. He felt his cheeks burn at the realisation that he _liked_ it. He liked how smooth the skin was, how warm and hard it felt, and most of all, he liked how the smallest flick of his tongue seemed to turn Miller into a shivering mess. 

When he took the whole length in his mouth, Miller swore under his breath. As unnatural as it had felt at first – moving his head and his tongue at the same time, minding his teeth, tasting the man and listening attentively to his cries while remembering to breathe – he quickly fell into a rhythm. 

He could hear Miller’s labored breathing, his small moans as he was trying his best to stay relatively quiet, and the sound of his own blood pounding in his ears. When Miller started moving his hips, Adamska had to pull back, stifling a cough. He’d expected the other man to laugh, but Miller just looked embarrassed. 

“Sorry”, he said, his hand reaching to touch Adamska’s hair. A little voice told him that he should have been annoyed by the gesture – he wasn’t DD, for god’s sake – but he really couldn’t bring himself to care. Lowering his head once again unto the man, he was conscious of the hand now grabbing his hair, lightly scratching his scalp. 

Entirely too focused on his task, Adamska didn’t notice the way Miller suddenly tensed, just a few seconds before his mouth got filled with the man’s release. Pulling away, he made himself swallow it – a question of pride, you see. The salty taste didn’t bother him as much as the way it seemed to cling to his throat afterwards. 

Miller was looking at him with a dazed look in his eyes. Trying to catch his breath, he silently gestured Adamska to join him on the bed. Adamska did as he was asked, propping himself up against the pillows. Miller considered him a moment before sneaking a hand under his pants, smiling. 

\----------------

Adamska finished cleaning himself off before getting back on the bed. He felt utterly spent and he didn’t think Miller felt any different. The man was sprawled on his bed, still half-undressed, a small smile playing on his lips. 

The bed was too small for the both of them, but Adamska wasn’t bothered by the close proximity.

“Are you hungry?”, he suddenly asked. 

Miller didn’t answer for a while. 

“Not really”, he finally said. “I’d... rather stay here.” He paused, before adding, “But you can go if you want.” 

Adamska shrugged. “I’m not that hungry either.” 

None of them spoke for a few minutes, and an uncomfortable weight seemed to settle on them. His doubts were coming back, and this time, he couldn’t just suddenly kiss Miller and forget about them. 

“I’d forgotten how good this could feel”, Miller said out of the blue. 

Adamska felt the same way, but he didn’t really want to say it. It didn’t seem like his experience could be compared to Miller’s in any way. 

“I’m surprised you didn’t make a comment about my sharp tongue, or something”, he said jokingly, trying to dissipate his own thoughts. 

Miller snorted. “Even I have my limits”, he replied. 

Then, he frowned, seemingly lost in thought. His frown seemed to deepen when he turned his head towards Adamska, and he turned away quickly, staying silent. Adamska felt that he had to say something – both for Miller and himself.

“Hm, Kazuhira... If _this_ feels... uncomfortable, we can just stop.” 

It was a lame attempt to address the situation, but an attempt nonetheless. Miller’s frown didn’t disappear. 

“Well, that’s the problem”, Miller replied, “I don’t really feel that uncomfortable.” 

The way he blushed made Adamska understand how much of an understatement it was, and he felt part of the tension in his stomach disappear. 

“Good”, he said. 

Miller didn’t look relieved yet. He cleared his throat. “I’m not sure what _this_ is, but...” 

He paused, and Adamska slowly nodded, encouraging him to continue. 

“...It’s the first nice thing I’ve felt since I came back.” 

He lowered his head, clearly embarrassed. Adamska gently touched his knee, but Miller pushed his hand away. 

“This – “, he said, “This is what I’m talking about.” He looked slightly irritated now. “You’re so... gentle with me, it’s infuriating...What do you _really_ want from this, from me?” 

“This again?”, Adamska replied. He’d been ready to say more, but Miller interrupted him. 

“No, no, this is not the same as helping me recover”, he said, shaking his head. 

“But does it really matter?”, Adamska replied. 

Miller sighed. “It should!” 

Adamska placed his hand on the man’s knee. He wasn’t rejected this time. 

“But... it doesn’t feel like it does, right?”, he said gently. Miller’s expression told him he was right. The man looked lost, but at least he wasn’t frowning anymore. Eventually, he relaxed under Adamska’s hand. 

“I know that it’s stupid – irresponsible even – and that it will blow up in my face, but... I don’t want to think about it. At all”, he said, an almost vulnerable look in his eyes. 

“Believe me, Kaz, I know exactly what you mean”, Adamska said, trying to make his voice as honest as he could. 

Miller nodded briefly. “So, let’s just... pretend this conversation never happened, alright?”, he said in a whisper. 

“Alright”, Adamska replied softly, before closing his eyes. 

He hadn’t planned on falling asleep, but after what Miller had said, he felt so relieved that he just dozed off, his hand still on the man’s leg. 

\---------------- 

Adamska jerked awake. There was a loud knock coming from outside. Miller had woken up as well, and he was looking with horror in the direction of the door. Adamska would have laughed if he hadn’t been experiencing the same kind of panic. 

He looked at the clock; it was just after 9 pm. 

He gestured to the bathroom, not daring to speak. Miller nodded, trying to arrange his appearance. Adamska gathered his clothes and escaped to the bathroom. 

He heard Miller get up and open the door. 

“Snake? What’s the matter?” 

“I didn’t know I needed a reason to come see you, Kaz.” 

Adamska swore under his breath – this couldn’t have been worse. He could hear their conversation, and he knew how nosy John could be when he sensed anything suspicious. 

“No, sorry, I just... I was just sleeping. I still haven’t recuperated, I think”, he heard Miller reply. A lie that wasn’t really a lie – the best kind. 

“Oh. I just wanted to see how you were, but it’s okay, I’ll let you go back to bed.” 

Adamska heard the door close, and he waited a few seconds before coming out of the bathroom. 

Miller was grinning at him. “At least he knocked”, he remarked. 

Adamska chuckled. “The room stinks, it’s a good thing that he didn’t ask to come in”, he replied. 

He paused, not really sure what to say, even though he felt a lot more confident and relaxed about everything now. “Are you... interested in getting some food?” 

Miller shrugged. “Yeah, I could eat.” 

Adamska volunteered to go out and bring back some food. He decided it made more sense, after what Miller had told the Boss. Also, he could be faster and more discreet than Miller, but he didn’t mention any of these reasons to the man, assuming that it would just be obvious. Instead, it sounded like he’d offered to bring him a romantic picnic, and Miller teased him playfully, eyebrows raised. 

They ate and drank in companionable silence, finishing the last of Adamska’s beer. Then, they talked about nothing in particular, only occasionally growing serious at a mention of their work, or their past. 

When he left shortly after midnight, Adamska was smiling. Once he realised it, he made himself stop – it was just too much. 

However, he couldn’t deny that it was the most fun he’d had in ages. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this chapter is so small, I decided to post it tonight as well.

\-------  
Day 10  
\-------

They met in the command centre. 

Snake had talked to Miller, a concerned look on his face, asking him if he felt better. 

Feigning surprise, Miller had said that he was okay – in fact, he felt a lot better and wanted to take more responsibilities on Motherbase. It was decided that he would be doing the new volunteers’ induction as well as taking care of their finances. 

Snake left after their meeting, boarding the helicopter towards Afghanistan. 

“Do you think you’ll have time for a few more tasks in your schedule, Kaz?”, Adamska asked as they were watching the helicopter fly away. 

Miller snorted. “Really?”, he replied, shaking his head. 

“Well”, Adamska said, “at first I thought about asking if you would have time for one more, and I _promise_ I was thinking about helping me with DD’s training, but then...” 

He let his voice trail off and smiled at Miller. 

He knew they were just kidding themselves. This would turn ugly, one way or another. 

But for now... 

For now, he wanted to just appreciate something, without self-consciousness, shame, doubts, covers, backup plans or double acts. He’d never had the occasion before in his life, and he probably would never have it again – even if they succeeded with Diamond Dogs. It was almost certainly true for Miller as well.

So, for now... That’s what he would do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, it's over ! Thanks to everyone who read this, left kudos and/or commented !  
> I hope you enjoyed it, and I'd really like to know what you thought about it in the comments. 
> 
> Thank you again <3 !!! I hope this story will inspire some of you to write about this pairing ;)


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